Tag Archives: fretting

The Things I Can’t Change

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Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

I’m still mumbling and stumbling but unfortunately not towards ecstasy. My mind has been like scrambled eggs, unable to be calm. Therefore, I am often lost or at a lost. I thought I would take the day off, lounge, do nothing and rest. It seem like a hard thing to do now. I wake up, get up, dress up and show up and there’s things to do.

I like to step out of the door to get my natural dose of Vitamin D. Pretty soon I find a pail in my hand and a pair of clippers in my other hand. Then I clip a tomato here and there, pick those evergrowing purple pole beans. I wander into the front yard and clip those bush tomatoes in the raised bed. Next I’m pulling some red onions in the next bed. One thing leads to another. It always happen.

I’m not complaining. It’s good to be out in the morning light. It’s good to be moving. But it would be good, too, if I can be still and rest. I have lost the knack of just being. I’m in constant thought, thinking, worrying, fretting, moving. There are many things that I can’t change but somehow I still feel responsible. I still fret, mumble and stumble through my day, wondering what can I do.

So I came here, to put my frantic and nervous thoughts onto the page. Perhaps that will take wind out of them. A therapist once told me that I am not all that powerful. I am not God. I am not responsible for everything and everyone. So I am remembering that now and thinking about the many things I have no power over.

I cannot change my nature. I am a fretter and worrier. Perhaps accepting that part of myself will help me find healthier ways of behaviour. I cannot change how another sees and treats me. It is not my problem and it does not define me. I cannot stop time. I cannot change the weather. I can learn to prepare to work around for the things I cannot change. I guess I am not that powerless, after all. I do have power over how I think. And that is good enough.

MAKING DECISIONS

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I hate making decisions. It is perhaps one of my biggest time wasters. I fret over the smallest things like choosing from the menu. It takes away some of the pleasure of the dining occasion. Then there’s the decision of when and where and phoning people. Is it a good time? Would they like to hear from me? I guess it’s the fear of rejection. Even though I hate all of this deciding, I do reach the end point. I feel the obligation of doing my duty and also my best. Okay, this is what I’ve decided and I will do it. It does cost me alot of time and energy.

It’s a little shameful that I’m still struggling with this but at least I’ve said it out loud and in print. I should have done it sooner but it is the hardest, admitting this to myself. However, not voicing the problem prolongs it. It’s like the elephant in the room. It lurks in my being all the time, robbing me time, energy and ease. It is silly to agonize over every decision, wanting to make the best, perfect choice. I know now that there is no such thing as THE ONE right choice, decision, answer. I feel so much better. I’m not so weighed down with questions of:

  • Have I done the right thing?
  • Did I do enough?
  • Could I have done better?
  • Should I have chosen another restaurant/person/etc?

I am sure I will have days of indecision again but I will remember this working out of things. It will cut short the fretting and worrying and I can move on. I am pleased with my progress on this day 8 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge.

ON THE TRAIN TO NOWHERE

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I think I’m back on the train to nowhere again, at least for a little while. It’s nice to be at a standstill and get off the merry-go-round. It’s good to stop the spinning out of control, sit in my comforty chair, put my feet up and let my socks drop wherever they may. Who cares? It’s just be me, dropping one little care at a time.

I took most of the day off, can you believe it? Oh, I had to do a thing or two, like getting my car serviced. It’s been a year and 5 months since the last oil change. It was a must. As usual I got into a knot over it, doing the dreading it even in my sleep. But that’s me again. In my heart I knew it was a lot worse in my head than in reality. And it was. And I knew I would have a little trouble getting to the car dealership. That’s me also. So I didn’t sweat it too much when I got a bit off course and had to circle around. That’s what I do. It’s no catastrophe.

I had a pleasant hour plus wait for my car. It was a little disconcerting at first. People coming, going and talking. There was about 4 or 5 of us in the waiting room. We were all on our phones, with different body parts tapping, twitching, moving in various ways. I tried to read my murder mystery I bought along for the wait. It was difficult at first with so much visual and auditory stimuli around. It was the perfect setting to work on my concentration and focus.

I was not too hopeful for success but I surprised myself. I put my phone away,  opened my book and read and read – for an hour. Then Carl, my service advisor came and said my car was ready. Everything passed inspection. Just an oil change. Nothing else. Just $63.00 thank you very much. I was pleased as punch and skipped home in my just oiled and washed car.

I like this experience of sitting, resting, waiting, reading. So I fretted some. I got lost some. No big deal. I like dropping my socks wherever. I’m like that. So ends another day, day 21 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Ten days left but who’s counting.