Tag Archives: being brave

WAKING UP FROM DREAMLAND

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September 21/20

Monday morning. I’m trying not to fall into my usual whine but I do feel like a bear. I want to crawl into a hollow log and sleep the day away. I gave myself a talk and got dressed after breakfast. I even ran a brush through my hair. I got the beginning of breadmaking. I have 30 minutes to sip my cuppa before proceeding to the next step.

It’s turning out to be a beautiful sunny morning. I had a whiff of energy the other day to clear and tidy my space. It’s not perfect but a big improvement. I can relax and have room to breathe again. It reminds me that I don’t have to do big. Picking up and putting away a few things goes a long way. It’s an opening to feeling better, leading to do more. Rome was not built in a day.

My loaves are now proofing for 40 minutes before their bake. I’m glad that I’ve pushed through my fatigue and inertia. It helped listening to my favourite podcast, Tapestry. This morning it was a story of a man who built a train in his basement. It’s a very interesting and inspiring story. Talk about a guy with a passion. He had this dream since 12 years old, maybe even younger. I think we/I need passion to push us/me onward on hard days. I think I got what it takes.

September 27/20

It’s a sunny Sunday. A week almost squeaked by without my showing up here. Well, here I am. All dressed and hair sorta combed. It’s 19 weeks and one day since my Sheba’s left this earth. I’m not counting the time as much, but I still remember. She was a big part of me. She was that soft animal of my body that Mary Oliver speaks of. I miss her warmth and softness. So I shed a few tears in gratitude and love of her.

I’ve awaken as if from a long coma. I wonder what has happened to usme. I wonder what has happened to the world. Is it the Covid? Or is it that the Covid has awaken us to the world as it really is now, the world we have created? There is no place to hide or deny now. So I take a deep breath. I have been sleepwalking, living in my head – for a long time now. I’ve been working hard this week, coming out of my dreamland, out of denial, to take a look around at the real physcial world. I’m trying hard not to go back down the rabbit hole. I’m trying to be brave. I’m trying to find purpose. I’m trying to feel love.

YOU CAN TEACH AN OLD DOG NEW TRICKS

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IMG_1462I am a little slow with my morning words.  But I am sitting here, finishing my Chai.  I’m still in my pyjamas but I have combed out my bed head.  I am surrounded by sunlight.

Sheba comes running into the room.  She has sensed our furry neighbour out on the deck. She rears up on her hind legs, barking out her greeting.  Mr. Fur Ball yips back in return. He enjoys this!  Sheba is reprimanded and runs away, crying to her favourite man.

I am still mourning  Dr. Sophia Yin’s death.  Can one mourn someone they have never met? Then I learn of another tragedy, the death of Ron Francis, an RCMP officer.  Such serendipitous moments for me.  Clearly there is a message for me.  I hear Gracie Heavy Hand‘s voice saying:  Stay calm.  Be brave. Watch for the sign.

I hear the message.  I am brave.  I see the sign.  I have moved on – away from the scene of the traumas and stress.  I am not wallowing and glorifying how well I am doing despite all that – any more.  I am not living as if everything is an emergency and there is no time.  I am out of the fire.  My body forgets at times.  It comes on alert with a trigger, the adrenalin pumping, heart pounding, getting ready for the fight or flight.  It’s okay.

It has had to operate on alert mode for so many years.  It will take time to unlearn the response.  I have time.  I don’t have to pull up my socks and get on with it.  I can weep, I can get mad.  I can take a nap.  I can fall apart, knowing I can put myself together again.  I can just be. There no longer is a raging fire, just the dying embers.  They will go out.

In the meantime…

IMG_4923I can listen to the silence of this morning.  The dogs are no longer barking.  The sun is warm on my back and Sheba as she lays next to me.  I can honour and appreciate Dr. Sophia Yin’s work that she’s left behind.

I can continue to work on my goal and tap, tap out my words in 15 minute segments, in a one-inch picture frame.  I can write that book – a line, a page, a story at a time.  I can do different.  I can learn new tricks.  There’s plenty of time.

How are you doing?  Do you have any beef, passion or insight you want to share?  Writing it out is a great way to dissipate angst and open your chakras.  And you just never know what can follow.

I’ve done my rant.  Time for my 15 minute slow jog with Sheba.  The sun beckons.