Tag Archives: 2015

STILLNESS

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IMG_6947I see life in words and pictures.  And if I was to choose a word for 2015, it would be STILLNESS.  I see the beauty of it right before my eyes – so brilliant and still.  It awaits me, telling me I can do it.  It is within reach if I wish.  All I have to do is nothing.

I have not been good at stillness, at doing nothing.  Even at rest, my hands betray me with their tapping, their fluttering.  My thoughts run away every chance they get.  My mind is not a restful place.

With no more STATS or Code Blues to run to, no call bells to answer, no one’s call of nature to take care of except my own, is it any wonder that I’ve been a little more quirky and unsettled the past year?  I have been like a runaway train on a roller coaster, careening out of control.  There is no one to save except myself.

STILLNESS is a good word for me.  It stills the flutter in my heart, quiets the voice in my head.  You are not so powerful, it whispers.  You can’t fix everything.  I glide smoothly into the warmth of the water and it is totally silent.  I’m blowing bubbles through my nose and mouth.  I have no room for thoughts as I lift my arm up and roll my face out of the water to breathe.  I roll my face back, blowing bubbles and lift my other arm.  I follow the black line at the bottom of the pool.  Lift, roll, breathe, roll, lift over and over the length of the pool.

IMG_2135I am suspended from thoughts, held in the moment, breathing and living in stillness.  It is stillness and silence that I want for 2015. Let me just be for then, perhaps I can see clearly and hear the call of my heart. I have time to be still.  There is no fire, no one to rescue.  There is just me for now.

DIGGING DEEP – FITS AND STARTS

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unravelling_300pxIt’s December 31, the last day of the year.  I am still working on Suzannah Conway’s Unravelling the Year Ahead.  I’m doing it in fits and starts.  I’m unsettled and restless. It’s difficult to unravel the past year, to take inventory, to face the numbers.

  • Was it a good year?  Did the good outweight the bad?
  • Was I happy?
  • Did I make any progress?

 

The hardest question to answer was this one:

Describe your favourite day, moment or occasion of 2014 in words and pictures. What did it taste like? Smell like? Sound like? Who was (or wasn’t) there? Where were you? What were you doing? What was awesome about it? And most importantly, how did you FEEL?

It’s not easy to answer when you don’t know yourself at all. I’ve spent most of my life being for other people. It’s not anyone else’s fault except for my own unconsciousness. Do you know that it is much easier to be there for others than for yourself? I had not known this till this very minute as the words fall from my fingertips.  It’s a funny thing, right?  Why? Who knows.  Maybe it is that vulnerability thing that Brene Brown talks about.

IMG_6003I never saw myself.  It’s no wonder that it’s difficult to know my favourite moment or occasion of 2014.  I had to put aside my lazy bone and dig deep and do the work. Nothing came for a day or two.  But today, I’m remembering and feeling.  Lake Havasu in February was pretty damn nice.  The arid landscape and desert air proved to be wonderful for body and spirit.

*****

It’s January 1, 2015.  Looking within myself is hard work as you can tell.  I had abandoned my post yesterday, interrupted by New Year’s Eve.  It was hard to dig underneath the surface to unearth the layers beneath.  What was it that I loved about Arizona? Perhaps I should leave it for another day.

IMG_1628_4In the meantime, I realize last night is another favourite and last moment of 2014. I am so happy that I made the effort to make it happen.  What better way to bring in the new year than with champaign from France and with people you love?  The pop of the cork. the lovely bubbles tumbling from bottle into glasses, filled me with memories of love and families.

HAPPY NEW YEAR ONE AND ALL

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