HERE’S WHAT I LIKE YOU TO KNOW

Posted on September 15, 2023 by hafong

Here’s what I want you to know. Maybe you already do, know that I’m a bit of a grump, especially these autumn days. I feel bad, guilty as if I am the only one who is. Logically I know it is not true but still I feel like one of a kind – mean, nasty, selfish, unkind. I wonder how others could be so wonderful while I am thus. Then I would feel so bad and kick myself to kingdom come on the inside.

And here’s what I do know. It is September. The days are getting shorter. The sun rises later and sets earlier. Some mornings, I feel sleepy drinking my first cup of tea. I was nodding over the Wordle puzzle this morning. Some mornings someone says the something to me and no matter their intention, good or bad, I start to bristle and a fire starts up inside. Though I can keep things from smouldering, I can’t let it go. The mantra of letting it go annoys me to no end.

Here’s what I like you to know. I’m mostly annoyed at myself for these feelings. I’m annoyed that they got teeth into me, hanging on as if for dear life. I can shake all I want. They won’t let go. Here’s what I have to do. They have to bide their sweet time. I have to honour them and let them be. Tomorrow is another day.

AUTUMN JOY

Posted on September 14, 2023 by hafong

Day’s end. I’ve come to my keyboard late and feel the least like writing. It’s been a good day but now I’m feeling a bit of the willies. It’s hard to describe or explain so I won’t. It’s been a strange day of beautiful sunshine, then dark brooding clouds. I thought the sun could never come out again but it did. The sun and clouds played this game all day long. Is this our new normal now?

It was good that I took my mother and father out for coffee yesterday. I was buoyed by the sun when I dropped off their grocery for them. It struck me that they might want to do an outing. They did. It was good for all of us meeting up with 3 of their friends at the mall. We had an overflow of coffee, conversation and laughter. I was happy bringing them all together on a sunny September afternoon. It brought me out of myself.

My willies/shivers have past. I’m feeling at ease, soothed by the sweet aroma of tomatoes on the dehydrator. It has been a good day of sun and clouds. I am happy I had my morning walk of 1.6 miles this morning. I made hay while the sun shone. I watered everything – the raised beds, the flowers, the shrubs. I’m readying them for bedtime as I am readying myself for the same. Tomorrow is another day.

MY SAVING GRACE

Posted on September 13, 2023 by hafong

I suppose now is not a good time to read a book about addiction, depression and things that go bump in the night. But the In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts came available on my Libby app and I couldn’t help myself. I am already hooked after a few pages. You could say that my passion is understanding our human-ness, what makes us tick and what doesn’t. In my next life, if I remember, I will choose something in psychology for a profession. In the now I am continuing my journey as a self-help junkie.

My saving grace has always been my thirst for knowledge and the belief that there is something we can do. I guess you can call that optimism. But it wasn’t till I was in my 40s before I realized that before I change my circumstances, I have to change my behavior/actions. I cannot just sit back, yearn and yearn and not do anything different. It would be like howling at the moon. That knowledge sat for quite awhile before I could put that into action. I am not a fast mover. I am the tortoise.

We know from the story of the story of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise does get somewhere. And I have made some miles. In these early days of September, I am recognizing and understanding my symptoms of SAD. I understand and am a little kinder to myself. I try to be more active, be outdoors and in natural light more. It helps to have a plan for the day. Writing helps. Looking through my art journals gave me a shot of pleasure. I will have to bring out my paints, pens and brushes again. Then there’s my cross stitch kits and knitting. Knitting is very soothing, very much like tapping on the keyboard.

WILD WRITING

Posted on September 12, 2023 by hafong

Yesterday I joined in Laurie Wagner’s live Zoom session on Wild Writing. She read a poem for us – twice. And from that we were to write long hand for 10 minutes whatever that we felt. I was surprised that I could write about practically nothing for that long. I felt quite comfortable except for the fact that my hand was getting cramped and I caved in before the final minute was ticked. I quite like this exercise of writing whatever arises within – with no censoring, with ease, without planning and plotting. It eases something(s) within, releasing angst, anger, worry and whatever that’s gnawing at me. Seeing these mischiefs, in black and white, marching across the screen restores reason and order in my brain. I hope it makes me easier to live with.

I’m experimenting with the best time to release my wildness. Now seems perfect. The sun has risen, shining its goodness on me. I’m not keen on the autumn darkness of our early mornings. I feel its icy fingers on my innards. And now I have no Sheba to warm and stand guard by me. Thoughts of my fur baby still warm me on dark mornings before I open my eyes. I hear the sounds of kibbles dropping in her bowl and her crunching. Funny how far sounds can carry in the dark and in memories. It is very comforting.

The clock is ticking. I must not tarry. Life calls and I must answer.

THE THINGS I REMEMBER

Posted on September 11, 2023 by hafong

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

My daily write have become enough of a habit that I don’t feel quite right without it. At the end of the evening, I’m putting a few things away, readying for bed. But I don’t feel complete without tapping out a few words. Now that I am here, concentrating, it is not so easy.

It is September 11, a hard day to forget. 9/11 is forever etched in history. We don’t have to clarify it and we know the date. 911 is forever in my mind as the day I took my mother to St. Paul’s hospital for a CT scan to confirm her aortic aneurysm. I remember waking up to the news on CBC radio of airplanes crashing into the Twin Towers. An accident was my first thought. Then when I hear it was a terrorist attack, I thought of our relatives in New York. Then sitting in the hospital waiting we saw it on TV. How can I ever forget 9/11?

9/11 is also my dear friend’s birthday. So thank goodness for a happy association with the date. 9/11 also made think of another unforgetable day – JFK’s assassination, November 22, 1963. I remembered that it was a grey damp November. I think I was in grade 7 and walking home at noon for lunch after hearing the news. I remembered wearing a blue print skirt with race cars along the bottom. And I word a crinoline under it. Funny the details that we remember.

Now that I got the daily bug out, I can go to bed. I won’t be bugged by things not done. I can rest easy. Almost looking forward to tomorrow.

DRUDGERY

Posted on September 10, 2023 by hafong

Another beautiful sunny warm September day though daylight was slow to show. It is still 18℃ at 7:30 in the evening. I’m a little less grumpy now though I couldn’t say that this morning. Being fruit fly season makes me even more irritible. I cannot even sip wine in peace without finding one swimming in my glass. So I have to put a lid on after each sip. I had to put my sourdough starter in the oven. It was a magnet for the pesky flies.

I’ve finished reading The Good Earth today. It reads easily, almost like my life. It’s that familiar. I’ve lived through those times from stories my mother told me. It seems so strange how similar the book is to the lives of those I know. It is also a timely read about the good earth when the survival of our earth is threatened. It gives me much to think about. It draws me out of my selfish moodiness. I try to think about the big picture. I try to look outward instead of inward.

I try to count my blessings instead of woes. Though there is still much to do in the garden, it and the greenhouse no longer calls me. I still tend them faithfully from habit and because it is necessary. I still get some pleasure but now it feels more like grudgery. I struggle to keep my interest and not to let things go all to pots.

I suppose in life there’s always patches of boredom and drudgery. Maybe they are necessary and serve a purpose. When I find out the purpose, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I will try to practice good mental health hygiene. What goes up must come down, spinning wheel got to go round.

Here’s today’s harvest – a pail of goodness.

GRUMPY AND GRUMPING

Posted on September 9, 2023 by hafong

At the end of the day. I have this sense of something left undone, something I’m evading. It is an unease I’m feeling. Nothing to do but live with it. It is the season. It is me. It is the same feeling that I wake with in the dark mornings now. It fades with light. It will fade with sleep.

I’m in a grump of a mood – again. Just being myself. Lacking humour. Lacking heart. I should just pack it in and call it a day/night. I should learn to give up, not to analyze, not to make better. Just let be.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING IMPORTANT

Posted on September 8, 2023 by hafong

I’ve been struggling with a little bad attitude and moods lately. It does not make me feel good about myself. At the same time, they are what I’m feeling. I cannot just squash them, wipe them out. I had to let them do their mischief within me. Otherwise, I would be saying that I do not matter. I am of no importance. It was difficult but I withheld harsh criticism of myself. The bad vibes passed along with the attitude. No CBD oil was necessary today.

The fine weather brought out my sunnier side. I’m a happier camper. But I cannot deny that the season and days are changing. My body is telling me so. I’m waking up at 2 am almost every night as if I’ve set the alarm. The good thing is I’ve been able to get back to sleep after a trip to the bathroom. I’m still getting at least 7 hours of sleep. My exercise class helps along with coffee with the girls after. Today’s sun helped tremendously. It gave me a burst of energy. It was no problem to dash off to the community garden to do a harvest after lunch. I was rewarded with 2 pails of food I grew from the good earth.

NO DENYING

Posted on September 7, 2023 by hafong

It’s a cloudy damp morning. The ground is wet from rain overnight, the drops still clinging to the tomatoes and the rods of the trellis holding them up. As I speak, I hear the pitter patter of more rain. It’s a good day to relax with a cup of tea and read a few pages of The Good Earth. I have bread on the go but I can sip and read between stages. The process is quite flexible and forgiving. I can take time and make it work for me.

The burst of raindrops was short lived. The sun did not come out till now which is mid afternoon. I am writing in between raindrops, making bread, lunch and reading The Good Earth. The bread is cooling on racks. The loaves turned out superb. I am enjoying a slice, trying to improve my disposition. I’m experiencing a bit of a mood again today. I had a cuppa with .4ml of CBD oil again. I can’t tell if it helps but it’s certainly not hurting. I think the best thing is to let myself feel what I feel. Trying to quench what is perceived as ‘negative feelings’ is denying my authenticity, that I am not worthy.

Fresh bread out of the oven is so delicious. I can’t deny myself another slice. I’m starting to feel more mellow, loving and nourishing myself. I’m freed a bit from the circular thinking of being selfish and mean. I am just I am. No more. No less.

ALMOST PERFECT

Posted on September 6, 2023 by hafong

A beautiful day, no smoke, sunshine and not too hot or cool. It is almost perfect. Even the Wifi is working out on the deck. Perfect except I’m a bit out of kilter. I felt it coming on yesterday. It’s not what I call my moody blues. They’re restful. This is not. I’m restless, aggitated, neurotic, fretting inside. I put the energy to use – loading up and starting the dishwasher, sweeping up the floor and putting the dirty cleaning stuff in the washer. I’ve bagged up the dried goiji berry leaves, clearing space on the deck table for me and the laptop. I’m pecking away my nervous energy.

My perfect moment on the deck is interrupted by the start up of my neighbour- from-hell’s lawnmower. She has an uncanny knack of know when I’m out on the deck and would bring out the noise machine. But never mind. I’m sipping a cup of decaf with a bit of CBD oil in it. I got it to help with my anxiety and stress when my mother had shingles. I don’t think it did much. I was in recent correspondence with a friend who found it helpful with his pain and sleeping. I thought I would give it another try. I’m still on my first and only bottle. I haven’t tried it very much. I’m hoping I can be as relaxed as the bunny I found in our potato patch today. He’s still there. I think he’s adopted us.

I think the CBD oil is working. I feel less edgy but just the same, I shall pack up and move inside away from the noise. I’m ok letting her think she got the best of me. I’m ready to put up my feet with another cuppa (without the CBD) and a muffin and watch Vera on YouTube. British murder mystery also soothes my nerves.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity