About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.

ENTITLEMENT and GUILT

Posted on September 16, 2023 by hafong

I’m bitching again. I’m disappointed and disillusioned again. I am being naive and childish that I am so surprised by how people behave. I was harvesting my carrots at our community garden this morning when I was approached by a woman walking by. I don’t know how elderly she was but she was using a walker. What she wanted was some of my carrots. She didn’t say so directly but asked if my neighbouring plot had carrots to spare. I said I could give her a few, choosing my bigger and better looking ones for her. Still she asked if my neighbour have carrots to spare. I was exasperated and said, I’ve just given you some. She replied, It’s not enough! I really like carrots.

I was really sorry that I had given her some. Still she made me feel guilty, a tightwad, not generous in sharing more of my bounty for she could see that I have a pailful with more carrots to harvest. I hate myself for falling into these kinds of traps. I wonder if I have VICTIM written on my forehead. A friend once asked me to cosign a large loan. When I asked why she didn’t ask her brother or sister, she said they have children and responsibilities. I felt guilty for saying no. I ‘loaned’ her $2,000. But it was really a gift. Later, she could not remember the amount. Then there’s the neighbour who told me I was ‘ripe for picking’, that I had ‘asked for it’ from another neighbour. She was very right, of course. I had fallen for her tears and friendliness because she needed someone to tend to things for her. When that was over, she had no sympathy for me or need of me.

Well, I am not sorry I am what/who I am. I am happy that I am human and have the capacity to feel for others, that I can be moved by tears and needs. I am also happy that I am a little wiser and see through someone’s sense of entitlement and manipulation. I have more confidence. Though I still falls into these traps and guilty feelings, I rebound out of them quickly. Any time I or anyone give something, no matter the amount, it is an act of generosity. If you don’t like it, too bad. Don’t ask and it shan’t be given.

HERE’S WHAT I LIKE YOU TO KNOW

Posted on September 15, 2023 by hafong

Here’s what I want you to know. Maybe you already do, know that I’m a bit of a grump, especially these autumn days. I feel bad, guilty as if I am the only one who is. Logically I know it is not true but still I feel like one of a kind – mean, nasty, selfish, unkind. I wonder how others could be so wonderful while I am thus. Then I would feel so bad and kick myself to kingdom come on the inside.

And here’s what I do know. It is September. The days are getting shorter. The sun rises later and sets earlier. Some mornings, I feel sleepy drinking my first cup of tea. I was nodding over the Wordle puzzle this morning. Some mornings someone says the something to me and no matter their intention, good or bad, I start to bristle and a fire starts up inside. Though I can keep things from smouldering, I can’t let it go. The mantra of letting it go annoys me to no end.

Here’s what I like you to know. I’m mostly annoyed at myself for these feelings. I’m annoyed that they got teeth into me, hanging on as if for dear life. I can shake all I want. They won’t let go. Here’s what I have to do. They have to bide their sweet time. I have to honour them and let them be. Tomorrow is another day.

AUTUMN JOY

Posted on September 14, 2023 by hafong

Day’s end. I’ve come to my keyboard late and feel the least like writing. It’s been a good day but now I’m feeling a bit of the willies. It’s hard to describe or explain so I won’t. It’s been a strange day of beautiful sunshine, then dark brooding clouds. I thought the sun could never come out again but it did. The sun and clouds played this game all day long. Is this our new normal now?

It was good that I took my mother and father out for coffee yesterday. I was buoyed by the sun when I dropped off their grocery for them. It struck me that they might want to do an outing. They did. It was good for all of us meeting up with 3 of their friends at the mall. We had an overflow of coffee, conversation and laughter. I was happy bringing them all together on a sunny September afternoon. It brought me out of myself.

My willies/shivers have past. I’m feeling at ease, soothed by the sweet aroma of tomatoes on the dehydrator. It has been a good day of sun and clouds. I am happy I had my morning walk of 1.6 miles this morning. I made hay while the sun shone. I watered everything – the raised beds, the flowers, the shrubs. I’m readying them for bedtime as I am readying myself for the same. Tomorrow is another day.

MY SAVING GRACE

Posted on September 13, 2023 by hafong

I suppose now is not a good time to read a book about addiction, depression and things that go bump in the night. But the In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts came available on my Libby app and I couldn’t help myself. I am already hooked after a few pages. You could say that my passion is understanding our human-ness, what makes us tick and what doesn’t. In my next life, if I remember, I will choose something in psychology for a profession. In the now I am continuing my journey as a self-help junkie.

My saving grace has always been my thirst for knowledge and the belief that there is something we can do. I guess you can call that optimism. But it wasn’t till I was in my 40s before I realized that before I change my circumstances, I have to change my behavior/actions. I cannot just sit back, yearn and yearn and not do anything different. It would be like howling at the moon. That knowledge sat for quite awhile before I could put that into action. I am not a fast mover. I am the tortoise.

We know from the story of the story of the tortoise and the hare, the tortoise does get somewhere. And I have made some miles. In these early days of September, I am recognizing and understanding my symptoms of SAD. I understand and am a little kinder to myself. I try to be more active, be outdoors and in natural light more. It helps to have a plan for the day. Writing helps. Looking through my art journals gave me a shot of pleasure. I will have to bring out my paints, pens and brushes again. Then there’s my cross stitch kits and knitting. Knitting is very soothing, very much like tapping on the keyboard.

WILD WRITING

Posted on September 12, 2023 by hafong

Yesterday I joined in Laurie Wagner’s live Zoom session on Wild Writing. She read a poem for us – twice. And from that we were to write long hand for 10 minutes whatever that we felt. I was surprised that I could write about practically nothing for that long. I felt quite comfortable except for the fact that my hand was getting cramped and I caved in before the final minute was ticked. I quite like this exercise of writing whatever arises within – with no censoring, with ease, without planning and plotting. It eases something(s) within, releasing angst, anger, worry and whatever that’s gnawing at me. Seeing these mischiefs, in black and white, marching across the screen restores reason and order in my brain. I hope it makes me easier to live with.

I’m experimenting with the best time to release my wildness. Now seems perfect. The sun has risen, shining its goodness on me. I’m not keen on the autumn darkness of our early mornings. I feel its icy fingers on my innards. And now I have no Sheba to warm and stand guard by me. Thoughts of my fur baby still warm me on dark mornings before I open my eyes. I hear the sounds of kibbles dropping in her bowl and her crunching. Funny how far sounds can carry in the dark and in memories. It is very comforting.

The clock is ticking. I must not tarry. Life calls and I must answer.

THE THINGS I REMEMBER

Posted on September 11, 2023 by hafong

Photo by Polina Tankilevitch on Pexels.com

My daily write have become enough of a habit that I don’t feel quite right without it. At the end of the evening, I’m putting a few things away, readying for bed. But I don’t feel complete without tapping out a few words. Now that I am here, concentrating, it is not so easy.

It is September 11, a hard day to forget. 9/11 is forever etched in history. We don’t have to clarify it and we know the date. 911 is forever in my mind as the day I took my mother to St. Paul’s hospital for a CT scan to confirm her aortic aneurysm. I remember waking up to the news on CBC radio of airplanes crashing into the Twin Towers. An accident was my first thought. Then when I hear it was a terrorist attack, I thought of our relatives in New York. Then sitting in the hospital waiting we saw it on TV. How can I ever forget 9/11?

9/11 is also my dear friend’s birthday. So thank goodness for a happy association with the date. 9/11 also made think of another unforgetable day – JFK’s assassination, November 22, 1963. I remembered that it was a grey damp November. I think I was in grade 7 and walking home at noon for lunch after hearing the news. I remembered wearing a blue print skirt with race cars along the bottom. And I word a crinoline under it. Funny the details that we remember.

Now that I got the daily bug out, I can go to bed. I won’t be bugged by things not done. I can rest easy. Almost looking forward to tomorrow.

DRUDGERY

Posted on September 10, 2023 by hafong

Another beautiful sunny warm September day though daylight was slow to show. It is still 18℃ at 7:30 in the evening. I’m a little less grumpy now though I couldn’t say that this morning. Being fruit fly season makes me even more irritible. I cannot even sip wine in peace without finding one swimming in my glass. So I have to put a lid on after each sip. I had to put my sourdough starter in the oven. It was a magnet for the pesky flies.

I’ve finished reading The Good Earth today. It reads easily, almost like my life. It’s that familiar. I’ve lived through those times from stories my mother told me. It seems so strange how similar the book is to the lives of those I know. It is also a timely read about the good earth when the survival of our earth is threatened. It gives me much to think about. It draws me out of my selfish moodiness. I try to think about the big picture. I try to look outward instead of inward.

I try to count my blessings instead of woes. Though there is still much to do in the garden, it and the greenhouse no longer calls me. I still tend them faithfully from habit and because it is necessary. I still get some pleasure but now it feels more like grudgery. I struggle to keep my interest and not to let things go all to pots.

I suppose in life there’s always patches of boredom and drudgery. Maybe they are necessary and serve a purpose. When I find out the purpose, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I will try to practice good mental health hygiene. What goes up must come down, spinning wheel got to go round.

Here’s today’s harvest – a pail of goodness.

GRUMPY AND GRUMPING

Posted on September 9, 2023 by hafong

At the end of the day. I have this sense of something left undone, something I’m evading. It is an unease I’m feeling. Nothing to do but live with it. It is the season. It is me. It is the same feeling that I wake with in the dark mornings now. It fades with light. It will fade with sleep.

I’m in a grump of a mood – again. Just being myself. Lacking humour. Lacking heart. I should just pack it in and call it a day/night. I should learn to give up, not to analyze, not to make better. Just let be.

THE IMPORTANCE OF BEING IMPORTANT

Posted on September 8, 2023 by hafong

I’ve been struggling with a little bad attitude and moods lately. It does not make me feel good about myself. At the same time, they are what I’m feeling. I cannot just squash them, wipe them out. I had to let them do their mischief within me. Otherwise, I would be saying that I do not matter. I am of no importance. It was difficult but I withheld harsh criticism of myself. The bad vibes passed along with the attitude. No CBD oil was necessary today.

The fine weather brought out my sunnier side. I’m a happier camper. But I cannot deny that the season and days are changing. My body is telling me so. I’m waking up at 2 am almost every night as if I’ve set the alarm. The good thing is I’ve been able to get back to sleep after a trip to the bathroom. I’m still getting at least 7 hours of sleep. My exercise class helps along with coffee with the girls after. Today’s sun helped tremendously. It gave me a burst of energy. It was no problem to dash off to the community garden to do a harvest after lunch. I was rewarded with 2 pails of food I grew from the good earth.

NO DENYING

Posted on September 7, 2023 by hafong

It’s a cloudy damp morning. The ground is wet from rain overnight, the drops still clinging to the tomatoes and the rods of the trellis holding them up. As I speak, I hear the pitter patter of more rain. It’s a good day to relax with a cup of tea and read a few pages of The Good Earth. I have bread on the go but I can sip and read between stages. The process is quite flexible and forgiving. I can take time and make it work for me.

The burst of raindrops was short lived. The sun did not come out till now which is mid afternoon. I am writing in between raindrops, making bread, lunch and reading The Good Earth. The bread is cooling on racks. The loaves turned out superb. I am enjoying a slice, trying to improve my disposition. I’m experiencing a bit of a mood again today. I had a cuppa with .4ml of CBD oil again. I can’t tell if it helps but it’s certainly not hurting. I think the best thing is to let myself feel what I feel. Trying to quench what is perceived as ‘negative feelings’ is denying my authenticity, that I am not worthy.

Fresh bread out of the oven is so delicious. I can’t deny myself another slice. I’m starting to feel more mellow, loving and nourishing myself. I’m freed a bit from the circular thinking of being selfish and mean. I am just I am. No more. No less.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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