LEARNING TO LIGHT A FIRE

Posted on November 21, 2023 by hafong

Photo by Thilipen Rave Kumar on Pexels.com

November is an incredibly hard month, made harder by the lack of snow to lighten the grey. We are now one week and 2 days away from December. The grass is still green. And so is the Egyptian walking onion though it is looking a little limp. My two mandevillas are still alive on the deck. It could be their last day though. The temperature is dipping tomorrow. I don’t think it’s possible for it to come up again. Or could it? Can you imagine a winter in Saskatchewan without snow?

November is an incredibly hard month. Daylight didn’t come till 9 this morning. It’s not a good month to do a makeover, set new goals, or lose weight. It’s hard even to write a few words. There’s no hope in me setting the world on fire. I’m as sleepy as can be. I could snack and drink tea all day long. But I must get a handle on this. I must grow a back bone, have a little self control and learn how to start a fire.

I’ve managed to set down Mathew Perry’s book, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing and hoist myself off the loveseat. It’s a good read and I am surprised to read all the bad reviews on Goodreads. It’s very illuminating into the world of addiction. It’s of interest, too that he grew up in Canada, his mother the press secretary to Pierre Trudeau and his stepfather is Keith Morrison, an ex CBC reporter. Morrison was a friend of my neighbour 2 houses down from me way back in the days. He would visit from time to time. I could tell when by his fancy sports car parked in the street.

Yes, November is an incredibly hard month. It’s dark already at 5:15. I must turn the light on. I haven’t got the fire going yet but there’s a bit of spark in me.

LIFE AS A PROJECT

Posted on November 10, 2023 by hafong

Lately I’ve been in a bland blue funk, a lover of words and pictures, adrift and lost in a sea of no interest. Nothing stirs me. I’m plodding through my days by rote. It’s a good thing that I’ve had many interests and hobbies in the past. I can still rely on them as pastimes even though they are no longer as pleasurable. It’s not a good or sustainable way to live. Dissatisfaction has driven me to take on life as my next project.

It’s a pretty broad subject. The question now is where to begin. It’s stirring up a bit of interest/curiosity. I’m not quite as bland and morose but I am sick of it all – the whole nine yards of what I’ve been/was. I think I had to come to this to make any meaningful changes. I’m casting my mind’s eye back to the distant past, to as far back as I can. I’m just gathering memories now. I guess I can call them data and go from there. In the meantime, I am cleaning and clearing up my physical space. Hopefully this outer cleansing and cleaning will help do that for my insides.

It is a slow and painful process. I have lived amidst loads and loads of useless and outdated physical and emotional stuff. It will not be easy to let them go. It will be a tug of war. But it does promise to be interesting. At last I am yanked out of my malaise.

GIVING IT UP

Posted on October 29, 2023 by hafong

It’s been difficult to live up to the commitment of writing a post every day this month for the Ultimate Blog Challenge. This is my official announcement of giving it up and letting myself off the hook. Most days I do have the time, but not the energy or the inclination. It is better that I honour my body and spirit. Without them, I wouldn’t get far.

More snow came yesterday. Winter has come early this year. I don’t think it’s going away any time soon. So I am giving up on the greenhouse, too. No use wasting solar energy to run the little heater for night time lows. Now with mostly clouds and no sun to heat up the rock wall, the temperature is low most of the time. I will be harvesting everything in the next day or two.

It is wiser to give up those things that no longer works than to keep on doggedly, depleting my energy and spirit. I will make no further commitments other than to begin anew each day.

A SLUMP

Posted on October 26, 2023 by hafong

Photo by Andrea Piacquadio on Pexels.com

I am afraid I’ve fallen into a slump again. I’m trying to climb out but it ain’t easy. I am devoid of ambition. Nothing is calling my name. I’ve managed to do 2 drawings for the Inktober Challenge to stay on top of things. The Ultimate Blog Challenge is not so easy. Besides no ambition, I have no ideas. I’m sleepy as can be. I want to close my eyes and have a nap. But that won’t get this post written.

I can blame this on the weather. Our first snow came 2 days ago. I’m waking up in darkness and low minus temperatures. I’m sure the change in barometric pressure is causing me some grief. I’m so stiff these mornings. I feel like a block of wood unable to bend and make my way around corners. I’m forced to do my stretches and exercises whether I’m in the mood or not.

At least the sun is shining on us today. Though it is -2℃ out this afternoon, the greenhouse is almost 15℃. The tomatoes, bitter melons and peppers are still going strong. I’m thinking we can keep it going till mid November. Here’s hoping. I’ll try to hang on, too, post by post, day by day.

ALMOST PERFECT

Posted on September 6, 2023 by hafong

A beautiful day, no smoke, sunshine and not too hot or cool. It is almost perfect. Even the Wifi is working out on the deck. Perfect except I’m a bit out of kilter. I felt it coming on yesterday. It’s not what I call my moody blues. They’re restful. This is not. I’m restless, aggitated, neurotic, fretting inside. I put the energy to use – loading up and starting the dishwasher, sweeping up the floor and putting the dirty cleaning stuff in the washer. I’ve bagged up the dried goiji berry leaves, clearing space on the deck table for me and the laptop. I’m pecking away my nervous energy.

My perfect moment on the deck is interrupted by the start up of my neighbour- from-hell’s lawnmower. She has an uncanny knack of know when I’m out on the deck and would bring out the noise machine. But never mind. I’m sipping a cup of decaf with a bit of CBD oil in it. I got it to help with my anxiety and stress when my mother had shingles. I don’t think it did much. I was in recent correspondence with a friend who found it helpful with his pain and sleeping. I thought I would give it another try. I’m still on my first and only bottle. I haven’t tried it very much. I’m hoping I can be as relaxed as the bunny I found in our potato patch today. He’s still there. I think he’s adopted us.

I think the CBD oil is working. I feel less edgy but just the same, I shall pack up and move inside away from the noise. I’m ok letting her think she got the best of me. I’m ready to put up my feet with another cuppa (without the CBD) and a muffin and watch Vera on YouTube. British murder mystery also soothes my nerves.

NO QUICK AND EASY

Posted on September 5, 2023 by hafong

A clear day with no smoke but started cool at 3℃. And it’s ending on the cool side. I had to put on a jacket to have a walk about in the garden just now. Even so, I felt chilled. It’s never just a walk about. I ended up harvesting a whole pile of tomatoes. Can I say I’m tired of so much harvest? I am grateful for our bounty but it is getting ridiculous and I am getting exhausted. I know I will appreciate all that is in our larder in the middle of winter.

I did not have time to read any pages in The Good Earth. I feel very much like the Chinese farmer, Wang Lung and his wife, working from sunrise to sunset. This morning I stripped some of the dried herbs – basil and oregano. It took some work and time. I’ve learned not to begrudge the price of store bought ones. Then it was time to think about making soup with the leftover chicken and carcass. I went out to the garden to harvest some veggies for it. Somehow it’s never an easy and quick trip. Almost an hour gone. Then there’s the washing and chopping before I can throw everything into the Instant Pot. There’s no instant about making a meal. It is not quick and easy.

By the time everything is chucked into the pot, the lid put on and the manual button is pushed, I’m sure I’ve screamed a thousand times in my mind. At those moments I understood my mother’s complaints of fatigue/pain. She is 92. I’m not so I thought I better just buckle up. It is good that I can relate/understand where she’s at, what she can and cannot do at this stage. She is still remarkable and independent. She knows her body/strength and she can figure out alternatives for what she can’t do. She sets a good example for me.

It is day’s end. The dining room table is looking messier yet. I shan’t worry about it. There’s a few more things dropped on it. 3 jars of sauerkraut are fermenting. 4 more days before they’re ready. I did bagged up the pumpkin muffins cooling on the rack. They are put away in the fridge and freezer. I’m calling it a night. Time for a shower and some stretches. This old body hurts.

THE GOOD EARTH

Posted on September 4, 2023 by hafong

Funny how some things pop into your life. The other day, someone mentioned she read Pearl Buck’s The Good Earth. I am reminded that I do have it on my bookshelf and I have read it. But I cannot remember any of it. Then this morning, there’s an article about Pearl S. Buck on my Facebook feed. It was very interesting. It prompted me to search for the book. And I did find it, a little paperback costing $.95 published in 1973. It’s still in very good condition though the pages are yellow and the print small. It is a book that I had borrowed from a friend while I was visiting her in Vancouver many years ago. I’ve not returned it nor have read it, as I now discovered.

I don’t know why I hadn’t read it. It is quite good. I’ve read 5 chapters this morning. It reminded me of the China I knew. I am surprised that I remembered so much, having left when I was 6 years old. I felt quite at home in the story of the poor farmer, his wife and his father. I felt I was there with them, though we were not the poor farmers. I guess we were considered well off if not rich. We had this big house that my grandfather had built. It had 2 stories with a copula on top. It housed our family on one side and the other half was occupied by my grandfather’s brother’s family. The windows had metal shutters. The front door was also of metal. Our house had a courtyard surrounded by a wall.

Looking at the photo and the memories, it feel like it was someone else’s life. It also made me feel nostalgic and lonesome for that Chinese part of me that was left behind. Anyways, it is too late in the day to ponder and wander through the past. Perhaps I will have more time tomorrow. I feel very busy at this end of life. Time seems to tick slower when I was young. Now it’s speeding faster and faster like the end of a toilet roll.

THE EASIEST THINGS

Posted on September 3, 2023 by hafong

I awoke to a very cloudy/smoky morning, much worse than yesterday. Checking the air quality index, it is 11. It would be easy to go into my moody blues and stay there. I do not. Why? Because it doesn’t feel good. I don’t like suffering. I am feeling a little dumpy and lumpy. I am not jumping up and down with glee. I carry on the routine of the morning – mixing up dough for our Sunday sourdough pancakes. Too bad we don’t have any more bacon or breakfast sausages to go with them.

Now at 9 am, the sun is fighting its way through the smoke. It’s shine is a bit eery. It evokes a feeling that these are the last hours of our earth. Cheery, aren’t I? I am somewhat comforted by my walk through the greenhouse and garden. I love seeing the dangling bitter melons, hanging on by a thread. Mornings, the greenhouse is suffused with the sweet scent of their flowers. At long last, I see tiny baby cantaloups forming. I helped by hand pollination. I guess they still have time to grow, being in the greenhouse. Their mates are doing much better in the outside garden. They are almost ready to be picked.

It would be easy to be complacent, to sleep in with covers over my head, to not care. But it is just as easy to care, to get up, dress up and show up to life. It is never too late as I have learned through gardening. You might not get the best results but you do get something late as you are. Below is a photo of my bed of potatoes and beans sown in late July. We had harvested the garlic from it. Instead of just leaving it empty, I put in half a bed of beans and the other half in potatoes. The beans are flowering and the potato plants are big though not yet in blooms.

Writing this post was the easiest thing. I just sat down and my fingers talked. Nothing profound, just feelings of the moment – another Sunday morning coming down.

THE HARDEST THINGS

Posted on September 2, 2023 by hafong

The hardest thing for me to do is to start. After that, it is finishing to the very end, to the cleaning up and putting away. The dining room table then ends up being the catch-all for everything.Right now it has a stack of dehydrator trays, a container of dried Swedish beans, some empty containers, a bowl of Big Beef tomatoes, a sketch pad, my reading glasses, a couple of face masks, a paper plate with a huge Brandy Wine tomato, my little change purse, printed recipe for Instant Pot Steamed Buns, my watercolour index card art from the DYICAD Challenge, a plate of basil leaves drying, a few packs of seeds….Then there is my laptop and my fingers tapping on the keyboard.

Why I am like this is beyond me. I guess it is my natural self. Maybe I need to live with it and not try to force myself into what I am not. I’m no slouch. I got another small pot of tomatoes saucing on the stove. It will be the 21st quart. This morning I washed the bag of goji berry leaves my mother gave me. They are air drying on trays on the deck. Life is full of things to do. I try not to get/feel overwhelm with this year’s huge harvest. Everything yielded BIG. That is everything except the Fava Beans. They were a total bust, empty pods whereas the regular beans were coming out of our ears. Not sure if I want to try them again next year. I should let go of things not working for me. I need to use my energy wisely and not waste it. So no Fava Beans next year.

Ok, what else can I let go of? Yesterday, I finally pour the rest of clamato juice down the drain. I hate waste but I wasn’t loving it. Sometimes it is ok to waste. It’s loving myself. I am still a bit grouchy. The air wasn’t as smoky this morning. We had sun but now the smoke is back. It feels like the earth is burning. I guess it is. Another day of writing from the front line. 🙂

SEPTEMBER

Posted on September 1, 2023 by hafong

Photo by RDNE Stock project on Pexels.com

The first day of September. It’s not evoking the feeling of starting anew like it has in the past. I guess I’m long past the time of the first days of school. No excitement of seeing friends I haven’t seen over the summer. No excitement of the first year on the university campus, finding my way to the Arts, Chemistry, Biology and other Buildings, then the lecture rooms. Now, I don’t feel the excitement of the first day of anything. It’s no way to start a day.

So, I am thinking up of ways of remedying it, cheering myself up and along. I put in a clean pair of socks in my gym bag. Beyond that I couldn’t think of anything else. I did have a good workout at the gym. I used heavier weights doing the farmer’s carry and was pleasantly surprised to find that the heavier weights felt better. Now at day’s end, I am feeling irritable but containing it, not letting it spill out. I think that it is good enough. I will not try to cheer myself up or along. Sometimes you just have to let everything go. Not try so hard but just let it be.

The day has been hot and heavy. The air is smoky from wildfires, making opened windows not a good idea. The furnace fan is adequate for some air movement, calming my bad mood. Nothing is pleasing me at this moment. It doesn’t make staying in the now a good idea. I shall move on and put a few things away. Tomorrow is another day.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

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