Tag Archives: traps

Traps and Crap

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I’m looking at a bright and shiny Sunday April 21 morning. It is -2℃ outside and 7.3℃ in the greenhouse. My head feels pretty clear. I’m tackling the day before it’s gets messed up with useless crap from scrolling. I have already wasted time on Youtube watching to see who is the love of Brad Pitt’s life. It was a trap. It never said, just went on and on with the parade of women.

I am often lured by such tricks. Such is my curiosity about such things. I’m finally asking myself the question WHY? Why do I have to get to the bottom of things? What is the payoff? So what if I know the answer? I’m finally wise enough to know that mostly it doesn’t matter a squat. Knowing will not enhance my life. And sometimes/most of the time, there are no bottoms to get to. Quit wasting my time. It’s better to live my life instead of wondering about other people’s.

Yesterday, I started the arduous task of tending to this one life that I have. There’s so much of it tied up in paper. I have been gathering and shovelling them into my file cabinet. Others I have just left on my desk, gathering dust. A recent death of a colleague/friend touched my heart and mind, reminding me that life is a business that I must look after. Though afraid, I opened the cabinet door and envelopes and looked within. After an hour, I was left exhausted and with a headache. More to do today and the day after and after. Feeling not quite so afraid.

ENTITLEMENT and GUILT

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I’m bitching again. I’m disappointed and disillusioned again. I am being naive and childish that I am so surprised by how people behave. I was harvesting my carrots at our community garden this morning when I was approached by a woman walking by. I don’t know how elderly she was but she was using a walker. What she wanted was some of my carrots. She didn’t say so directly but asked if my neighbouring plot had carrots to spare. I said I could give her a few, choosing my bigger and better looking ones for her. Still she asked if my neighbour have carrots to spare. I was exasperated and said, I’ve just given you some. She replied, It’s not enough! I really like carrots.

I was really sorry that I had given her some. Still she made me feel guilty, a tightwad, not generous in sharing more of my bounty for she could see that I have a pailful with more carrots to harvest. I hate myself for falling into these kinds of traps. I wonder if I have VICTIM written on my forehead. A friend once asked me to cosign a large loan. When I asked why she didn’t ask her brother or sister, she said they have children and responsibilities. I felt guilty for saying no. I ‘loaned’ her $2,000. But it was really a gift. Later, she could not remember the amount. Then there’s the neighbour who told me I was ‘ripe for picking’, that I had ‘asked for it’ from another neighbour. She was very right, of course. I had fallen for her tears and friendliness because she needed someone to tend to things for her. When that was over, she had no sympathy for me or need of me.

Well, I am not sorry I am what/who I am. I am happy that I am human and have the capacity to feel for others, that I can be moved by tears and needs. I am also happy that I am a little wiser and see through someone’s sense of entitlement and manipulation. I have more confidence. Though I still falls into these traps and guilty feelings, I rebound out of them quickly. Any time I or anyone give something, no matter the amount, it is an act of generosity. If you don’t like it, too bad. Don’t ask and it shan’t be given.

BEYOND STUCK, HOPING AND WISHING

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Can I tell you something? It is difficult to write and work on being stuck when you are! Sometimes I feel so disgusted with myself. I try not to stay there. Yesterday I talked about how much time we spend on scrolling. I know that I haven’t always done so. I was a very late comer to the computer and smart phone. I was the smart one then. I’m not so now. It’s really not my fault. I fell into the same trap as many other people. Now I am determined to get out.

Instead of wasting time fighting my urges, I gave in and let my fingers wandered over the buttons, the mouse and keyboard. My brain still has some control over where they go. It can still say, enough now! I found this video this morning on clutter. It was a bit long, an hour. But since that’s what I am working on, it was well worth my time. I made my breakfast while I listened to it. I got some value from it.

I agree that the 3 things to work on are my emotions, time and stuff. And to work slow and prioritize, of course. I am not what you would call a hoarder. My house is not jam packed with stuff. I am a clutterer from way back, getting worse with each day. I tend to drop things wherever they happen to land. They never seem to be able to find a home. My worse traps are the dining room table and my desk.

The best time to work on anything is the present moment. That cuts the procrastination. I took her hint, got a box and cleared off my dining room table into it. That is, whatever could fit. Other times, I used a shoebox. I have a few of them around, waiting to be sorted and emptied. Next, I whipped off the tablecloths and threw them, along with a few other items into the washer. What a relief! I’ve been wanting to do that for quite a few days, but unable to, being paralyzed by emotions of I don’t know how. I know it sounds silly and lame. It is what it is.

I know my laundry is done by now. Time to hang it/put in dryer. I’ve done some dreaded dusting in the bedroom. The drapes are taken down and in the washer. It’s the blackout ones I made and hung last year. I’m sure they would appreciate a wash. Now that I’ve done that, I am not sure why it was so hard. I guess the hard part is if you don’t move, it’s hard to get it done. By taking ClutterClarity’s advice on going slow, I did kinda enjoy the process. It is nice to have a cleared table again. The next stop is my desk.