I’m still mumbling and stumbling but unfortunately not towards ecstasy. My mind has been like scrambled eggs, unable to be calm. Therefore, I am often lost or at a lost. I thought I would take the day off, lounge, do nothing and rest. It seem like a hard thing to do now. I wake up, get up, dress up and show up and there’s things to do.

I like to step out of the door to get my natural dose of Vitamin D. Pretty soon I find a pail in my hand and a pair of clippers in my other hand. Then I clip a tomato here and there, pick those evergrowing purple pole beans. I wander into the front yard and clip those bush tomatoes in the raised bed. Next I’m pulling some red onions in the next bed. One thing leads to another. It always happen.

I’m not complaining. It’s good to be out in the morning light. It’s good to be moving. But it would be good, too, if I can be still and rest. I have lost the knack of just being. I’m in constant thought, thinking, worrying, fretting, moving. There are many things that I can’t change but somehow I still feel responsible. I still fret, mumble and stumble through my day, wondering what can I do.

So I came here, to put my frantic and nervous thoughts onto the page. Perhaps that will take wind out of them. A therapist once told me that I am not all that powerful. I am not God. I am not responsible for everything and everyone. So I am remembering that now and thinking about the many things I have no power over.

I cannot change my nature. I am a fretter and worrier. Perhaps accepting that part of myself will help me find healthier ways of behaviour. I cannot change how another sees and treats me. It is not my problem and it does not define me. I cannot stop time. I cannot change the weather. I can learn to prepare to work around for the things I cannot change. I guess I am not that powerless, after all. I do have power over how I think. And that is good enough.