Tag Archives: rant

JOURNALING THRU IT ALL

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December 5. Good afternoon. It is another new and yet not so new day. I had a wonderful sleep last night. It was cold this morning at -27℃ but it is sunny and has warmed up to -23℃ at 2 pm. I have declared today for rest and relaxation. Therefore, I cancelled my exercise class upon getting out of bed. I’m foregoing my daily ski, too. I guess I am having a rant and a tantrum – a solo strike against myself. I’ve been thinking, a dangerous thing, you might say. But yes, I’m thinking that for all my efforts of trying and striving, I haven’t advanced a squat. Now it’s time to do different. I’m not ready to totally stop everything- forever. I am doing it for a day. I’m giving it a rest and giving my self a break. I’m going to pamper myself a little.

I was going for a walk but I think I will forgo it and soak in the tub. I don’t have any bubble bath to luxuriate in but I can substitute some epsom salt. I’m a practical girl at heart. But first a little culinary treat – ginseng coffee and a muffin and cheese to go with a few pages of John Grisham’s novel, Sooley. This book is different from his usual law and order. It is about basketball and Sudan. The pace is much slower. Therefore, I am slower too. I’m learning something new – basketall and Sudan. It’s all good. It’s getting me out of my usual rut.

Photo by Henley Design Studio on Pexels.com

I’ve been in the slow lane all day. It feels good enough to repeat tomorrow. I have nothing to rush to or about. Slow will help me get back to happiness. We all want that, don’t we? Instead of doing a gratitude list, I will do a Things I Did Today list instead. It is suggested by Esme Weijun Wang from her book, Rawness of Remembering: Journaling Through Difficult Times. I’m tempted to get the book but on second thought, aren’t I already doing it? So here goes my list.

  • Today I cancelled my morning exercise and it freed me from a set schedule.
  • Today I had a long soak in the tub with epsom salt and it relaxed and cleansed me.
  • Today I wrote this post. I’m keeping up with my commitment to write every day or almost every day.
  • Today I added more stuff to my pot of chili. Now I have prepared lunches for 4 days.

FIRE AND RAIN

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February 10. 9:19 am. It’s 5℃ outside and 1.2℃ in the greenhouse. It is grey, wet and slippery as hell on the sidewalks. We watch people walking cautiously, some on the street and some in the snow of lawns. Then there are the brave teenagers marching and sliding along. I have decided that I will not be stepping outside today. I am going to hunker down and mind my own business. I have many things to do – at my speed which is not fast.

It’s ill winds that are blowing. We’ve had rain, we’ve had snow….I feel like breaking into James Taylor’s Fire and Rain. When I listen to the lyrics, it’s exactly how I feel. We have rain and snow. I could use a little fire in me.

February 11. 9:47 am. It is -19℃ outside, -6℃ in the greenhouse. Tepid sunshine. What a difference a day makes. Yesterday afternoon it was 5℃ outside and 15.9℃ in the greenhouse. You think that was something to cheer about. It was not. Yesterday was very hard, hard for me. I felt like soggy spaghetti noodles with brain fog. Moving and getting things done were very difficult. I started out making curried beef in the Instant Pot about 11 am. It was soon clear I couldn’t quite get it together. Good thing for frozen pizzas on hand. I did get everything into the Instant Pot for the curry beef by 3 pm. It felt like a huge accomplishment by the time I got the cleaning done.

I’m feeling a little more together today. Lunch is ready. I just have to take the pot of beef and stick it into the Instant part and plug it in. My plans for the day? None except to mope along as best I can. No skiing in the park today either. It’s probably icy and treacherous as hell. Navigating the streets and sidewalks are hard enough. We might go out to the nearby golf course tomorrow afternoon. They, hopefully, will have groomed trails.

Beef and butternut curry

The curry was quite delicious. I followed this recipe for the spices and used what ingredients I had on hand – ground beef, onions, garlic, butternut squash, Swedish brown beans, frozen tomatoes and frozen greens. I browned the hamburger, then threw in the rest with a jar of pork broth into the Instant Pot. Used stew and meat button for one hour.

February 12. 9:32 am. -14℃ outside. -5.5℃ in the greenhouse. Sunny. I have to say that I’ve been more affected by the freedom convoy affair than the pandemic. I’m wondering what ‘freedom’ they’re fighting for. I’m a Chinese immigrant whose grandfather escaped death by a hair and whose grandmother was jailed in his place in the Mao regime. I remember hearing gunfire of firing squads killing dissidents who dared saying anything remotely against the government. So I am wondering what is the freedom that these freedom fighters are fighting for? Freedom here is just another word for chaos – to do as we please, irregardless of others. We might as well do away with need for driver’s license, a business license, a professional (doctor, engineer, pilot, nurse, teacher…..) license, visas, passports of any kind, rules of the road, airway….Let’s get foolish. Let’s go backwards….

Ok, I’ve had my rant to clear all my chakras for the day. Meanwhile…my seeds of early Red Alert tomatoes, eggplants and peppers have germinated. I haven’t done by daily draw yet but I am quite pleased with the ones I have done. Yesterday I started to add watercolour to my duck drawing. Though not perfect, I am quite happy with it. Colours clear, no mud created. No mud, no lotus. In this case, it is what I want.

BUILDING RESILIENCY

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Building Resiliency

I’m later than ever. It is almost 8 pm. I hope my American friends are having a safe Thanksgiving. Today we have 299 new Covid cases in the province, with 72 at the Correctional Centre in Saskatoon. It’s nothing to celebrate or be grateful for. I’m starting to feel like a reporter. I have to snap out of watching the numbers. We all need to step up to the plate and do the right thing. It frightens me to listen to those people who are anti-masks. Do they really believe what they’re saying or do they have another agenda? Either way, they are dangerous, stirring up vulnerable people to create havoc. Be careful of stories you tell. If they are not your story, do not repeat.

Now that I got my rant out of the way, let me tell you about my main concern. I feel much more settled and comfortable having decided to stop going to the gym. I don’t have to second guess whether I’m putting myself, family and friends at risk. I can put my efforts into keeping and building resiliency. I am also one of those vulnerable people. I am easily affected by the weather and mood of others. I am easily affected by everything. It is important for me to keep physically, emotionally and mentally fit. I want to be kind and empathic but I don’t want to feel everyone’s pain. I’m not good at either one though I am improving. Sometimes I just have to grit and bear the pain.

I am learning that I have to be kind to myself first. I’ve had a hard time of it. I think that’s the reason for the anger I’ve felt and held so often in the past. It’s been a long while since I’ve felt it. Hooray for me! Free at last. It’s not so easy ‘getting it’. It takes a life time. It really have given me a mental boost in these times. I’ve learned to get up, dress up and show up no matter how I feel. That’s thanks to Regina Brett. These are the things that you still have to/can do even if you feel lousy. You might not be able to do them as well on any given day. If you try your best, you can forgive yourself.

Get up, dress up and show up is etched in my brain. It gives me that boost/resiliency on especially difficult days. And these are those days. Even so, I still find great joy and satisfaction – of getting up, dressing up and showing up – to make a soup from all my garden veggies for lunch, making kimchi and then going for another ski in the park. They were not all masterpieces but they were my honest efforts. I feel proud of them.

If you are interested in the recipe for my kimchi, here’s the link. I throw in different ingredients sometimes. Today I put in Jerusalem artichokes instead of radishes. Making food is very healing – for whatever ails you.

How To Make Kale Kimchi

DAY 15 UBC – I’M MAD AS HELL

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I’m Mad as Hell

I’m mad as hell. I’m going to take it but I’m not wasting it. All that pent up energy going to waste. No sir! It’s fuel. I’m putting it use. I’m not letting it turn into methane gas. We have too much of it already.

So I had my rant, stomped my and screamed a bit. Then I donned my warm jacket and my YWCA Take Back the Light toque from last year and headed out the door. -2 Celsius was nothing when I’m all fumed up. It was beautiful and sunny. The neighbourhood was lit up by autumn colours. I walked by Carol’s (Sheba’s sitter) old house. I see the chair lift in the front. I am reminded of how minor my problems are. A few houses down Dracula was sleeping in his coffin. That was until I walked by. Then the coffin creaked open and he slowly rose. How Sheba used to always barked and balked at this.

A little harmless Halloween scare is good for the soul. It’s better than being pissed with steam coming out of my ears. I try not to be my old self but I don’t always win. So now I’m trying to let it go, look for the gold and enjoy life. My sleep has been disturbed these last while by my neighbour’s light on her garage. It casts a giant panarama bright enough for a movie set, I am sure. It’s on all night and looks like will be 24/7. Yes, I’ve approached her with various solutions. We even invited her in for a glass of wine. She was opened in changing to a different less glaring lightbulb. But it is of same wattage. It is better but it still casts light through my venetians and reflect on the wall. She already has another light on 24/7 on the side of the garage and a motion sensor light above her back door which she does not turn on at night.

So after a night of sleeping pill aid, I let her know that the light was still a problem. From her answer and our past history, I know that she is not opened at all. It is up to us to make the changes. And we will. We don’t want responsibility for her falling or robbed and attacked because of poor lighting. It’s good to remember the onus rests on yourself. You will never go wrong there. I will get the guy to install some nice curtain rods. I will create and design some nice embroidered ones. My mind is easing and creating already. I am a creator, not a fumer. Lesson learned.