Tag Archives: life is strange

IN BLACK AND WHITE

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I really should go to bed but I am here, tapping out a few words and thoughts. I really shouldn’t be enjoying a cup of tea. I’ll be up to the bathroom a few times during the night. But I am thirsty and seeking a bit of comfort. It’s goiji berry tea. I’ll be good for me. In times past, Sheba always kept company with me. My fur baby’s been gone for 3 years now. I have to wing these times on my own, without her soft animal body close by.

Life, I should really say I feels strange these days. It’s a sense of detachment, unachored and maybe a little unhinged. It feels like being underwater. There’s no sound. No one can hear or see me. It’s like the sound of one hand clapping. So I come here to be seen and heard, to put my thoughts and feelings down in black and white.

Perhaps I’m feeling melancholic after reading Doris Lessing’s The Grass is Singing. I’m identifying with the female character, Mary and her tragic life. Though it is set in Rhodesia (now Zimbabwe), it could easily have been in my small Saskatchewan hometown. Our lives were small and limited. I have more sense of it now than before. I’m not sure if it’s true or not but it does make me sad. It will pass when the book fades from my body’s memory. Sad is not always bad. It is restful.

Now I can take myself to bed. My tea is finished. I’ve put away a few things so I can have a good start in the morning. I have to pay bills, bake bread and clean house. Those are my priorities. Then I need to make a trip to our community garden. Someone has been stealing our carrots! Why do people do that?

PERHAPS AND PERHAPS

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Life is strange sometimes. The more I try to change, the more I stay the same. Perhaps I am trying too hard. Perhaps I’m trying in all the wrong ways. Perhaps I should give it a rest. Perhaps. Perhaps. Perhaps. Nothing is of certainty. Has it always been so?

I am doing it all wrong. I research, read and google on the how of things relentlessly. The information remains the same. I know it already. I have difficulty putting them into action. I am stuck on go. I forget this over and over. How many times have I been in this place already? Many. Are you tired of reading it? I am tired of writing it.

I am not completely hopeless. I have made some improvement in overcoming being overwhelmed. There are a few positive steps I have taken lately. It’s a long time coming but better late than never. It’s been exhausting the way I’ve been all these long years. It’s wonderful to find a way out.

  1. I try to stop berating myself over what has happened.I see that nothing can undo the already happened.
  2. I know fretting over it will only waste more energy.
  3. I breathe and try to let it go.
  4. I practice these steps each time that I regret what I have done or not done.
  5. I am trying to stop looking for more information when I know what I need to do.

It’s been a good day. I’ve learned that I can be patient and listen without interrupting. In doing so, I see that there are many things that I don’t have to say or ask. They don’t add to the conversation and I know the answers to the questions. In being in the moment, listening in attention, I am saving time and energy. I am bringing calm and clarity to myself. I think it is call discernment. A breakthrough if I may say so.