Tag Archives: daily write

HERE’S WHAT I LIKE YOU TO KNOW

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Here’s what I want you to know. Maybe you already do, know that I’m a bit of a grump, especially these autumn days. I feel bad, guilty as if I am the only one who is. Logically I know it is not true but still I feel like one of a kind – mean, nasty, selfish, unkind. I wonder how others could be so wonderful while I am thus. Then I would feel so bad and kick myself to kingdom come on the inside.

And here’s what I do know. It is September. The days are getting shorter. The sun rises later and sets earlier. Some mornings, I feel sleepy drinking my first cup of tea. I was nodding over the Wordle puzzle this morning. Some mornings someone says the something to me and no matter their intention, good or bad, I start to bristle and a fire starts up inside. Though I can keep things from smouldering, I can’t let it go. The mantra of letting it go annoys me to no end.

Here’s what I like you to know. I’m mostly annoyed at myself for these feelings. I’m annoyed that they got teeth into me, hanging on as if for dear life. I can shake all I want. They won’t let go. Here’s what I have to do. They have to bide their sweet time. I have to honour them and let them be. Tomorrow is another day.

AUTUMN JOY

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Day’s end. I’ve come to my keyboard late and feel the least like writing. It’s been a good day but now I’m feeling a bit of the willies. It’s hard to describe or explain so I won’t. It’s been a strange day of beautiful sunshine, then dark brooding clouds. I thought the sun could never come out again but it did. The sun and clouds played this game all day long. Is this our new normal now?

It was good that I took my mother and father out for coffee yesterday. I was buoyed by the sun when I dropped off their grocery for them. It struck me that they might want to do an outing. They did. It was good for all of us meeting up with 3 of their friends at the mall. We had an overflow of coffee, conversation and laughter. I was happy bringing them all together on a sunny September afternoon. It brought me out of myself.

My willies/shivers have past. I’m feeling at ease, soothed by the sweet aroma of tomatoes on the dehydrator. It has been a good day of sun and clouds. I am happy I had my morning walk of 1.6 miles this morning. I made hay while the sun shone. I watered everything – the raised beds, the flowers, the shrubs. I’m readying them for bedtime as I am readying myself for the same. Tomorrow is another day.

THE THINGS I REMEMBER

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My daily write have become enough of a habit that I don’t feel quite right without it. At the end of the evening, I’m putting a few things away, readying for bed. But I don’t feel complete without tapping out a few words. Now that I am here, concentrating, it is not so easy.

It is September 11, a hard day to forget. 9/11 is forever etched in history. We don’t have to clarify it and we know the date. 911 is forever in my mind as the day I took my mother to St. Paul’s hospital for a CT scan to confirm her aortic aneurysm. I remember waking up to the news on CBC radio of airplanes crashing into the Twin Towers. An accident was my first thought. Then when I hear it was a terrorist attack, I thought of our relatives in New York. Then sitting in the hospital waiting we saw it on TV. How can I ever forget 9/11?

9/11 is also my dear friend’s birthday. So thank goodness for a happy association with the date. 9/11 also made think of another unforgetable day – JFK’s assassination, November 22, 1963. I remembered that it was a grey damp November. I think I was in grade 7 and walking home at noon for lunch after hearing the news. I remembered wearing a blue print skirt with race cars along the bottom. And I word a crinoline under it. Funny the details that we remember.

Now that I got the daily bug out, I can go to bed. I won’t be bugged by things not done. I can rest easy. Almost looking forward to tomorrow.

DRUDGERY

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Another beautiful sunny warm September day though daylight was slow to show. It is still 18℃ at 7:30 in the evening. I’m a little less grumpy now though I couldn’t say that this morning. Being fruit fly season makes me even more irritible. I cannot even sip wine in peace without finding one swimming in my glass. So I have to put a lid on after each sip. I had to put my sourdough starter in the oven. It was a magnet for the pesky flies.

I’ve finished reading The Good Earth today. It reads easily, almost like my life. It’s that familiar. I’ve lived through those times from stories my mother told me. It seems so strange how similar the book is to the lives of those I know. It is also a timely read about the good earth when the survival of our earth is threatened. It gives me much to think about. It draws me out of my selfish moodiness. I try to think about the big picture. I try to look outward instead of inward.

I try to count my blessings instead of woes. Though there is still much to do in the garden, it and the greenhouse no longer calls me. I still tend them faithfully from habit and because it is necessary. I still get some pleasure but now it feels more like grudgery. I struggle to keep my interest and not to let things go all to pots.

I suppose in life there’s always patches of boredom and drudgery. Maybe they are necessary and serve a purpose. When I find out the purpose, I’ll let you know. In the meantime, I will try to practice good mental health hygiene. What goes up must come down, spinning wheel got to go round.

Here’s today’s harvest – a pail of goodness.

GRUMPY AND GRUMPING

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At the end of the day. I have this sense of something left undone, something I’m evading. It is an unease I’m feeling. Nothing to do but live with it. It is the season. It is me. It is the same feeling that I wake with in the dark mornings now. It fades with light. It will fade with sleep.

I’m in a grump of a mood – again. Just being myself. Lacking humour. Lacking heart. I should just pack it in and call it a day/night. I should learn to give up, not to analyze, not to make better. Just let be.

ALMOST PERFECT

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A beautiful day, no smoke, sunshine and not too hot or cool. It is almost perfect. Even the Wifi is working out on the deck. Perfect except I’m a bit out of kilter. I felt it coming on yesterday. It’s not what I call my moody blues. They’re restful. This is not. I’m restless, aggitated, neurotic, fretting inside. I put the energy to use – loading up and starting the dishwasher, sweeping up the floor and putting the dirty cleaning stuff in the washer. I’ve bagged up the dried goiji berry leaves, clearing space on the deck table for me and the laptop. I’m pecking away my nervous energy.

My perfect moment on the deck is interrupted by the start up of my neighbour- from-hell’s lawnmower. She has an uncanny knack of know when I’m out on the deck and would bring out the noise machine. But never mind. I’m sipping a cup of decaf with a bit of CBD oil in it. I got it to help with my anxiety and stress when my mother had shingles. I don’t think it did much. I was in recent correspondence with a friend who found it helpful with his pain and sleeping. I thought I would give it another try. I’m still on my first and only bottle. I haven’t tried it very much. I’m hoping I can be as relaxed as the bunny I found in our potato patch today. He’s still there. I think he’s adopted us.

I think the CBD oil is working. I feel less edgy but just the same, I shall pack up and move inside away from the noise. I’m ok letting her think she got the best of me. I’m ready to put up my feet with another cuppa (without the CBD) and a muffin and watch Vera on YouTube. British murder mystery also soothes my nerves.

NO QUICK AND EASY

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A clear day with no smoke but started cool at 3℃. And it’s ending on the cool side. I had to put on a jacket to have a walk about in the garden just now. Even so, I felt chilled. It’s never just a walk about. I ended up harvesting a whole pile of tomatoes. Can I say I’m tired of so much harvest? I am grateful for our bounty but it is getting ridiculous and I am getting exhausted. I know I will appreciate all that is in our larder in the middle of winter.

I did not have time to read any pages in The Good Earth. I feel very much like the Chinese farmer, Wang Lung and his wife, working from sunrise to sunset. This morning I stripped some of the dried herbs – basil and oregano. It took some work and time. I’ve learned not to begrudge the price of store bought ones. Then it was time to think about making soup with the leftover chicken and carcass. I went out to the garden to harvest some veggies for it. Somehow it’s never an easy and quick trip. Almost an hour gone. Then there’s the washing and chopping before I can throw everything into the Instant Pot. There’s no instant about making a meal. It is not quick and easy.

By the time everything is chucked into the pot, the lid put on and the manual button is pushed, I’m sure I’ve screamed a thousand times in my mind. At those moments I understood my mother’s complaints of fatigue/pain. She is 92. I’m not so I thought I better just buckle up. It is good that I can relate/understand where she’s at, what she can and cannot do at this stage. She is still remarkable and independent. She knows her body/strength and she can figure out alternatives for what she can’t do. She sets a good example for me.

It is day’s end. The dining room table is looking messier yet. I shan’t worry about it. There’s a few more things dropped on it. 3 jars of sauerkraut are fermenting. 4 more days before they’re ready. I did bagged up the pumpkin muffins cooling on the rack. They are put away in the fridge and freezer. I’m calling it a night. Time for a shower and some stretches. This old body hurts.