They say a change is as good as a rest. Pausing is certainly a change for me. Not knowing, undecided as to what to do, I did the big pause yesterday. I gave up fussing, thinking and plopped myself in the recliner, covered myelf with my little blanket and gave myself up to nothingness. It felt strange and uncomfortable at first. I had to resist from getting up and start doing. Then slowly I began to feel ease and warmth seeping in. It was wonderful. I luxuriated in the moment.

I had frequent pauses in the past. I reveled in idleness, sipping my tea and listening to CBC in the mornings. I felt no rush, urgencies or emergencies. I was a happy sloth even though I did wished for more vim and rigor. Now that I got my wish and became an Eveready Bunny, I don’t quite like it. It’s not who I am. Once energized and wound up, I couldn’t stop. I went on and on, one thing after another. I didn’t feel any better, more efficient or more accomplished. What I felt more of was tiredness, of being distracted, forgetful and short tempered.

Yesterday was a pause, a gift. I can see and feel more clearly now.