Let It All Fall

Posted on October 31, 2024 by hafong

These are dangerous times for the world and also for me. I have to keep that in mind as I try to live and age fiercely, moving forward one day at a time. Knowing that I am always a little wonky, overthinking and over-feeling and over almost everything, I give myself some slack, some comforting self-talk. I lay back on the buckle up, pull up your socks, keep your panties on. It’s ok to let everything fall.

Humpty Dumpty can fall off the wall. He doesn’t have to get up. He doesn’t have to be put back together. I can let myself fall to pieces and let them lie wherever they land. They are the parts of myself that no longer serve me. Taking a deep breath, I breathe in my whole life’s feelings of fears and uncertainties, feeling them in my whole body. Breathing out, I let each one go. I’ve often wondered where emotions come from, where I feel them, in my head or my heart. Now I know that they live in every cell of my body.

So I live another day. This is the last day of the Ultimate Blog Challenge but hope to return for the National Blog Posting Month in November. Having a daily commitment helps to keep the psychiatrist away.

Living & Aging Fiercely

Posted on October 30, 2024 by hafong

Day 30 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Having lost my mother 10 days ago has changed the lens through which I view life and the world. Our world feels more broken to me. It’s hard to be optimistic. It’s hard to put on a smile. When I read things about the US election and Donald Trump, I feel like vomiting. And I don’t read alot of that. Still, it adds to my grief.

I don’t want to stay there. I don’t want to feel so dark and hopeless about our world and life. It’s a good reason to write about living and aging and fiercely. I always want to be Wonder Woman but I don’t have much wonder in me now. I’m a bit wobbly on my feet, fuzzy in the head and fear in my heart. I’m no spring chicken any more. Can I survive and thrive through all this? I’m not tough as nails but I probably have a little rust in me.

Oh poor me! I have to get over myself. Many have been in my shoes and many more will follow. We all travel same hard roads and cry the same woes. It does give me comfort knowing that. I will get some sleep now. Tomorrow I will work on being fierce.

Loss and Grief

Posted on October 29, 2024 by hafong

Day 29 of the Ultimate Blog Challenge finds me not inspired. The jukebox in my head is not playing. No one has put in any coins. Perhaps I have to give it a swift kick in the side. Perhaps I am in mourning and silence is what I need. I find myself in a peculiar space. The fear and dread of my mother’s death was greater in my head than in reality.

Her final days were in the home she loved. Her pain came swift and short with all of us around her. The 2 not needed rescuers were respectful and kind as was the 2 policemen and coroner. There was no chaos but peace and respect. Such is the protocol for the fortunate leaving from home. We didn’t have to wait for a month like you have to for family doctor appointment, months for a cardiologist followup or 14 hours like in ER. They all came promptly with one phone call.

I was happy she was not in the hospital. It is not always a safe and caring space. The care is missing in our Healthcare. When you are sick, you don’t want to hear about staff shortages and certainly not about saving resources, especially when you are old. You want to be cared for. This is my grief talking. I know people did what they thought was their best. But I have to ventilate. Healthcare is not made up of just hospitals, clinics, doctors, nurses, technicians, receptions, etc., etc. It is all of us. We all have to care, to be kind. It’s also my mother talking through me. She’s big for kindness.

Loving Mom

Posted on October 28, 2024 by hafong

Loving mom was/is the most easy thing. Losing her is the hardest. Though I’ve had her more than most people have had their mothers, it doesn’t seem enough. Forever is what I want. I still feel the need for my mother. That is selfishness on my part. She was tired. She hung on for as long as she could for us. She left on an October day after having seen the sunrise and sunset.

It’s been a week since her departure Sunday night, October 20th. The week has gone by in a blur. I had been worrying for years on the how(s) and what(s) to do when the time came. It’s been 23 years since she was diagnosed with a serious heart disease. I remembered because we were waiting at the hospital for CT scan on September 11, 2001. That morning upon rising, I heard news of planes flying into twin towers in NYC. I thought of mom’s family there. In the hospital waiting room I watched the chaos and horror on TV. My mother was around 70 years old then.

I need not have spent so much time worrying and wondering. Life and death took care of themselves. Mom had a few tough times but many good ones. She never thought she would have such a long life. She marveled that the surgeon could put her back together after she fell and broke her hip. That was on the day before Mother’s Day. Her hip was the least of her problems. Her body and already compromised heart was traumatized by the fall and surgery.

I asked for one more summer. My mother asked to see the sunrise and sunset. We both got our wishes. She said she was always happy no matter what. She had us. She’s told me that many times. That’s been a comfort. She said that too the last afternoon when we basked in the late afternoon sun in the backyard. She looked like a rock star with my sunglasses on. I felt blessed to be in her presence for those 30 minutes.

I haven’t given up on the Ultimate Blog Challenge. Finding my words again today.

Killing Me Softly

Posted on October 20, 2024 by hafong

The jukebox in my head is playing again today. I guess I have alot of songs that need to be sung. The song today is Killing Me Softly. It is a pretty song but I can’t sing it as beautifully as Roberta Flack. Nevertheless life is killing me softly and slowly with its demands. There’s nothing to do but to ride the ups and downs. Everyone is on the same roller coaster. There’s no use whining. I better just pull up my socks and keep my panties on.

I’m doing the best I can. No matter what, I wake up, get up, dress up and show up each day. Some days are better than others. Some days I’m a flying mess. Some days I’m feeling just fantastic!. There are days that are just full and spilling over with everything. Those days I cuss and fart alot, trying to have some fun. Those days, the jukebox in my head like to play Mary Oliver’s Wild Geese. It comforts me alot.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting–
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

From a Whisper to a Scream

Posted on October 18, 2024 by hafong

Photo by u0414u043cu0438u0442u0440u0438u0439 u0417u0430u0439u0446u0435u0432 on Pexels.com

Today the jukebox in my head was playing Esther Phillips. She was singing From a Whisper to a Scream. My jukebox has been silent for a long while. Now it wants to scream. I think I woke it up with my own screaming. I’ve been silent too long and now I am hoarse with my yelling. Sometimes you have to, just to be heard. Even then, after screaming and screaming, you might not succeed. They don’t want to hear, but you can tell yourself, at least I’ve tried.

I think trying is good enough. Having done so, I can go back to whispering. It’s softer on the ears and easier on the throat. And people will not think I’m a crazy mad lady. I can breathe easier. My heart rate will slow and I can be mellow as a cello. I am getting better at this, at letting off steam. I blow my stack and you can see steam coming out my ears like in the cartoons. BUT none stays within. And I go WOW! I feel ok, calm and cool as a cucumber. I might lose a friend or foe. But then I can always make new ones, right?

That F Word

Posted on October 17, 2024 by hafong

Thank God for F words. Where would I be if I can’t shout them out? It’s a lot better than to gas it out, don’t you think? A shout is better than a stink bomb in my opinion. Being offensive is better than dying. And all these, too, will pass. So, don’t feel you that have to forgive when you can’t. And it is not a sin to be angry when it is necessary. Holding it all in will surely kill you.

Here’s to all my sister lovers of the ‘f’ words. I have a special sister in mind. I met her the other evening. She was surprised that this ancient Chinese lady suggested that we should go to a bar. She found me funny and certainly bizarre. She was told that her life span would be a little shorter because she has celiac disease. My advice was don’t listen to those people. The important thing is to be positive, kind and say the f word alot. And to borrow Caroline Myss words, What she eats is not the important thing. She could eat cat food for all that matters.

It’s not a wonder that she finds me funny and odd. It bothered me not a whit. She is young, kind and lovely. We ended up hugging and telling each other I love you before parting. I found the event quite strange and pleasant. It was just what I needed in the moment. It was fantastic. fabulous, fantabulous, fascinating, flattering…I’m getting out of fs but you know what I mean.

Words and Pictures

Posted on October 16, 2024 by hafong

So I’ve been irregular and a little constipated with my words and posts. It happens. No need to explain. Eventually I do return. There are no better words than Mary Oliver’s. Here’s hers from 3 of her poems rolled in one. The Summer Day, Wild Geese and The Uses of Sorrow. And no better pictures than these of Sheba. They’re worth a thousand words. I haven’t seen her for awhile. They bring tears to my eyes.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?’, ‘You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting. You only have to let the soft animal of your body love what it loves. Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine. Meanwhile the world goes on. Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain are moving across the landscapes, over the prairies and the deep trees, the mountains and the rivers. Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air, are heading home again. Whoever you are, no matter how lonely, the world offers itself to your imagination, calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting – over and over announcing your place in the family of things.’, and ‘Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.” -Mary Oliver

Looking for Calm and Wisdom

Posted on October 8, 2024 by hafong

How easily I’m rattled these days. I have so many straws that can break my camel’s back. This morning I am all nervous energy. I am aggitated, thoughts running here and there. I know there’s nothing to be done. I know I am wasting energy and maybe compromising my health and immune system. So I come there to tap and hopefully hit the right keys and meridian points. Looking for calm. Looking for wisdom. Looking for guidance.

I know from experience that when I most need a helpful ear and a calming touch, no one is home, not even God. The best thing for me is to be quiet and still and breathe into the moment. Calmness and wisdom will come from within, for it is I who knows me best. My self talk is quieting me and I am finding some rest and peace. I am finding some words for today’s Ultimate Blog Challenge.

There’s much still to do in the garden. I harvested a small patch of carrots this morning and the parsnips in the raised bed. The parsnips are not looking parsnipy and tapered, but gnarled with many fingers, much like last year’s. Will have to try direct seeding them in the soil next spring. I had started them in peat pots indoors and planted the pot into the bed without disturbing the roots. Still it must have made a difference. But it’s not a loss. They will still be tasty.

I guess life is like growing parsnips. It’s not perfect, not conforming to expectations. I guess I should embrace the surprises, blips and blurps that arise and find joy and satisfaction in learning and coping. End of post. Now onward to planting my tulip bulbs.

Speaking in Pictures

Posted on October 7, 2024 by hafong

Sometimes words do not fall readily from the tongue even for word lovers. I’ve been tongue-tied these last while. Though I set of goal of coming to my keyboard every day for the Ultimate Blog Challenge, I feel the pull of just throwing in the towel. It is said that a picture can be worth a thousand words. So here are my words in pictures.

This first set of photos are of my mother’s front flower bed. Though she no longer is strong enough at 93 to garden, my brother and I have planted it.

The next photos are from my greenhouse. It is still doing well, some plants are better than others. It’s a first time growing paprika and bottle gourd. I only got a few of each but they’re beautiful, aren’t they?

The last set of photos are from the backyard. It was a late seeding of spinach and radishes. Hope there’s time for them. The cabbage is a second crop. Don’t know if they will have time to cabbage.

onethousandandtwo

Looking at Infinity

Monthly Archives: October 2024