Monthly Archives: November 2023

ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS

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I’m having one of those nights when my restless spirit won’t let me sleep. I hate it for stirring me up with useless circular thoughts going round and round and I can’t stop this train. What happened to the brakes? Aren’t I in control?

I wrestled quietly in bed. Can’t decide whether I should stay or get up. Which is better. My indeciveness is making me more agitated. I get mad. I get up. I cannot contain myself. So now I am tapping to calm myself. Maybe I can tap myself to sleep. I would like to have a cup of tea but that would keep me up going to the bathroom all night. I miss my youth when that thought would not even enter my head. And I would drink tea all night long.

Do you have such nights? And what would you do? I don’t mean to complain. I don’t have these nights very often. I get irritated when I do. I like to get up early in the morning. That’s the best part of my day. And when I can’t sleep, I won’t be bright eyed and bushy tail. I have an exercise class at 7 am. Surely my tail will sag. Maybe I should hit the sack again and will myself to sleep.

LEARNING TO LIGHT A FIRE

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November is an incredibly hard month, made harder by the lack of snow to lighten the grey. We are now one week and 2 days away from December. The grass is still green. And so is the Egyptian walking onion though it is looking a little limp. My two mandevillas are still alive on the deck. It could be their last day though. The temperature is dipping tomorrow. I don’t think it’s possible for it to come up again. Or could it? Can you imagine a winter in Saskatchewan without snow?

November is an incredibly hard month. Daylight didn’t come till 9 this morning. It’s not a good month to do a makeover, set new goals, or lose weight. It’s hard even to write a few words. There’s no hope in me setting the world on fire. I’m as sleepy as can be. I could snack and drink tea all day long. But I must get a handle on this. I must grow a back bone, have a little self control and learn how to start a fire.

I’ve managed to set down Mathew Perry’s book, Friends, Lovers and the Big Terrible Thing and hoist myself off the loveseat. It’s a good read and I am surprised to read all the bad reviews on Goodreads. It’s very illuminating into the world of addiction. It’s of interest, too that he grew up in Canada, his mother the press secretary to Pierre Trudeau and his stepfather is Keith Morrison, an ex CBC reporter. Morrison was a friend of my neighbour 2 houses down from me way back in the days. He would visit from time to time. I could tell when by his fancy sports car parked in the street.

Yes, November is an incredibly hard month. It’s dark already at 5:15. I must turn the light on. I haven’t got the fire going yet but there’s a bit of spark in me.

LIFE AS A PROJECT

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Lately I’ve been in a bland blue funk, a lover of words and pictures, adrift and lost in a sea of no interest. Nothing stirs me. I’m plodding through my days by rote. It’s a good thing that I’ve had many interests and hobbies in the past. I can still rely on them as pastimes even though they are no longer as pleasurable. It’s not a good or sustainable way to live. Dissatisfaction has driven me to take on life as my next project.

It’s a pretty broad subject. The question now is where to begin. It’s stirring up a bit of interest/curiosity. I’m not quite as bland and morose but I am sick of it all – the whole nine yards of what I’ve been/was. I think I had to come to this to make any meaningful changes. I’m casting my mind’s eye back to the distant past, to as far back as I can. I’m just gathering memories now. I guess I can call them data and go from there. In the meantime, I am cleaning and clearing up my physical space. Hopefully this outer cleansing and cleaning will help do that for my insides.

It is a slow and painful process. I have lived amidst loads and loads of useless and outdated physical and emotional stuff. It will not be easy to let them go. It will be a tug of war. But it does promise to be interesting. At last I am yanked out of my malaise.

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COME NOVEMBER

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November 1, a brand new day and month. For once I am without a project/challenge. It’s a little unsettling. I’m a ship without a captain. I’m a captain without a compass. What to do and where to go? Must I have a purpose and a sense of direction every single day of my life? And so I drifted aimlessly today, binge watching episodes of Yellowstone. It’s full of violence and exudes of sex. It’s not a feel good and certainly not good for my soul. Still, I’m watching. It’s engaging and fills the void.

Perhaps my project for this period in time would be a pursuit of something that feels good and that feeds my soul. It will be a challenge alright because my mind is at lose ends. Nothing excites or engages me. It is hard to think that not long ago, I was excited about waking up to a new day at bedtime. I couldn’t wait to step outside to breathe the morning air and see the sunrise. I would take a tour of the yard and the greenhouse before breakfast.

Where did my joie d’vivre go and how can I get it back? Perhaps I shouldn’t give in to my despondency and malaise so easily. Words and pictures have always been my best tools. November is NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) . I don’t have to write a novel. I can just write. Maybe I can write myself out of my funky mood. I can be my own therapist. I can draw my moods. I have always wanted to explore mood boards. Here’s an opportunity to solve a problem creatively. I can do it.