A sunny September morning. I’m welcoming it with another cup of tea. I’m feeling more of myself today. It’s been a long, long time. My little ‘snap’ did me good. I woke and saw that I am not young any more. I need to move on – beyond grieving for my mother and caring for my aging father. Not that I will ever stop loving and missing my mother or not looking out for my father. But I cannot lose my whole self in them. I’ve still have a few good years left in me. I want to care and love myself as well.
I’m searching for healthy ways to do both. I do not want to sacrifice myself for filial piety. It is not an easy thing having being brought up in a culture where it is revered. True, I only spent the first 6 years of my life in China and 2 years in Hong Kong. The rest of my many years are here in Canada. I was nutured by a mother who had high moral ethics. She, herself, grew up in a family of such. It is difficult for me to escape/abandon my upbringing. For most of my life, I have squashed my own desires. That is if I had any.
After awhile, it didn’t seem to matter any more. I am comfortably retired, past my prime. I could nod off in my rocker except I have an aging father. I don’t mean to complain. He needs little physical care. He is still very independent with his daily activities of living. But being 95, it’s been 2 years of regular rounds of medical visits to the doctor and hospital. That alone is ok but it’s this burden of filial piety that finally broke me. I’ve been doing this forever. The weight of being responsible for his emotional well being and happiness is too much.
It would not be so hard if the piety was returned. It is not. It is a one way street. Perhaps all Chinese fathers of that age are like that. I do not know. I don’t even know that many Chinese people at all. But I think it is time for me to break or loosen up this filial piety. It’s choking me. I have to save myself. Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
Today is only one day in all the days that will ever be. But what will happen in all the other days that ever come can depend on what you do today. ~ Ernest Hemingway
Hemingway has a way with words. I tried to read For Whom the Bells Toll once but did not succeed. I was at the Raffles Hotel in Singapore long ago. I guess he and other notable writers used to frequent there. I have a photo somewhere. Thanks for bringing up the memory.
You’re most welcome. I’ve never been drawn to reading Hemingway but that quote was a gamechanger for me. President Obama quoted it in one of his books and I read it during a difficult stretch. It gave me strength to get up and push on and I’ve never forgotten it.
It’s inspiring to hear about your journey toward self-care amidst caring for your father. Balancing filial duties with personal well-being must be challenging, especially with such deep cultural roots. Have you found any specific practices or routines that help you reconnect with yourself while managing these responsibilities?