It’s another new day and year. It is the year of the Fire Horse, which symbolises independence, ambition, and energy. So I might get out of Dodge after all. I didn’t have too much traction yesterday. I still haven’t seeded my onions and peppers. No qigong yet. I’m still ruminating about the past. This morning I was remembering telling someone at work that her husband looked like Lee Marvin, the movie star. I thought it was a compliment but she yelled at me. “Lily, you are just so rude!” That scared the hell out of me. I worried about my lack of judgement and social etiquette. I avoided her like the plague after.

I ruminate about my personality and character alot. I worried about how I measure up to others. Am I ok? Am I selfish, unforgiving, blah, blah, blah. The Epstein File deluge helped me see that we are all very strange creatures, flawed and lacking in so many and different ways. Some of us are very sick. None of us can judge. This makes me feel a whole lot better. It’s probably not the right thing to say. Who cares? I’ve been accused of saying things that people would only think. I think the people saying that to my face are guilty of the same, don’t you think? You can see that I am still ruminating and hurting. Words have a long history.

But this is a new day/new year. Yesterday, I have thrown out 3 things (obsolete keys), vacuumed the whole upstairs floors and did some light dusting. I felt cleaner and less cluttered. I had coffee at my father’s house in the afternoon. We decided we didn’t have to ‘celebrate’ with dim sum or supper out. I breathed a sigh of relief. I don’t have anything against ‘celebrations’ and making a big deal about everything. But I do protest against feeling obligated to do so because that is what everybody does. Sometimes it is nice just take off my shoes, let down my hair and relax with a sandwich, pizza, bowl of soup or whatever. I feel celebratory sitting with just a cup of hot tea.

It’s taken me this long to figure this out. I don’t have to do like everybody. It’s ok to be different. I am ok. It makes me happy. Gong hei fat choy” (恭喜发财)!