How quickly time flies. While I was stuck in November, December came, bringing with it colder temperatures and clouds. I can almost hear those Christmas bells ringing and Santa and his herd of reindeer on the roof. I really am not fond of the festive season because there’s this pressure to feel festive. I’ve never ever been up to that task. I have never voiced it because it is something you’re not suppose to say or feel.
Now I don’t really care. It feels good to get it off my chest. It’s time to shed the shackles of shame and pretense. I’ve never felt great about the Christmas season even though I fell in with the general population. I did the tree, decorations and gifting for many years. It was exhausting hunting for the perfect gifts, the wrapping and all. Now, I’ve stopped doing all that. It no longer works for me. What works still is spending time with friends and family. Besides that, I don’t want anything for Christmas.
_______________________________________________________
I am still seriously and perhaps dangerously stuck in December. The days are getting shorter and darkness longer. I feel no burning desires to do anything aside from sipping tea. But I cannot just turn myself ‘off’ till spring. The least I can do is finish this post started days ago. It is snowing steadily outside my sunroom windows. The white brights up the grey morning. My pink garage door brightens up my mood.
No matter how I feel, I still get up, dress up and show up somehow. My best is not what it used to be but it will have to do for now. I haven’t made great strides in changing bad habits into better ones. I am still buried under a ton of chaos or that’s how I feel. It is true it is difficult/impossible for a zebra to change stripes. I have to remember I am not a zebra and I can change.
onethousandandtwo 
Lately and while I was reading this post, I wonder about change. Do we really want to change even when we say so? And how can we change? I guess it’s different for every person and varies with the kind of change we want to see. I’m reminded of a phrase or quote “change (or life) happens at the end of our comfort zone” or something like that. I once had a supervisor who wanted our team to perform over our comfort zone. That seemed impossible to me but I suspect because we did have extreme passion for our mission we did it.
At the end of the year, I review my goals set at the beginning of the year. The ones that were truly important to me I achieved. I suspect it would be similar for you. You have had an extremely hard year with your mom’s passing (I know the kind of hole that creates.) But you have continued to get dressed and ready for the important things – meetings with your father, this blog, going out with friends even when you didn’t want to, etc.
I look forward to what next year brings to both of us.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Cheryl. Yes, it has been a hard year. It’s putting one foot in front of the other. Your posts on your experience have been a tremendous help. Looking forward to the January UBC. Hope I will find you there.