IT’S OVER

Here it is Wednesday and time for the parade of stories from the Friday Fictioneers.  We like to concoct tales of 100 words or so from a photo prompt.  We are hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields of Addicted to Purple.  Here’s my story of exactly 100 words.  I’m opened to any constructive criticism.  I’ll try not to take anything personally.  🙂 

PHOTO PROMPT – © J Hardy Carroll

PHOTO PROMPT – © J Hardy Carroll

 

The letter trembled in her gnarled fingers.  She knew its content. Still her heart hammered and her hands shook.  It was as if he could come back and give her misery.  All these years she had shovelled his history beneath the layers of her consciousness.  He was buried but not dead.

He haunts her always, though sometimes just barely beneath the surface.  She is tired of him popping up at her.  Today she is putting him to rest.  She dares to look into the enevelop bearing the Royal Mail postage.  Registration District:  Merton.  Cause of death: Smoke inhalation.

It’s over.

 

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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18 Responses to IT’S OVER

  1. Dear Lily,

    I liked “shoveled his history beneath the layers of his consciousness.” C-However I’m not sure exactly what’s happening. Was he dead to begin with. I found the change of tenses between the first and second paragraphs jarring if not confusing. Was he already dead and she’s just now reading the letter?

    Perhaps if you made it all one tense it might help.

    Shalom,

    Rochelle

    • hafong says:

      Thank you Rochelle for reading and critiquing. I am aware of how I wrote the first and second paragraphs. The events in the first paragraph had already happened. I’m happy some questions arise – when he had died, etc. It certainly could use some revision but I will let it be. It is a good excuse in coming up with a story and getting the words down. Now with your input, you have given me ideas on how to make it into a longer and better story. Sometimes if I think too hard and careful about grammar and tenses, it kills my flow. The revisions can come later.

      Lily

  2. Ooh – did she kill him?

    • hafong says:

      Thanks for the question! My character is going through flashbacks and is trying to deal with her. When I was writing it, I did not have it in mind that she killed him. But I can see that it could be a possibility. 🙂 Thank you for commenting.

      Lily

  3. Jan Brown says:

    Yes, I think this could be a longer story.

    • hafong says:

      Thank you for reading, Jan! Perhaps it’s not a very good writing. I did not spend alot of time on it. I’m wondering if it has a beginning, a middle and an ending. I’ve been mulling over and am paying attention to tenses and all that. Am still befuddled over it all. I’ve been reading Margaret Atwood’s The Blind Assassin. She uses present, past and future tenses in the same paragraph often. These 100 words story are tricky but good exercise. Comments are very helpful. Makes me think. Sorry for going on and on. Just thinking. 🙂

      Lily

  4. Lily, so many times I’ve posted a story and wished I’d reviewed it a few more times. This has a great deal of potential.

  5. gahlearner says:

    I agree, there’s a lot in this story that could go further. I was a bit confused, too, though and thought she had killed him.

  6. Margaret says:

    Her relief comes through strongly, and it’s clear she’s been haunted by something connected with this man. Intriguing.

  7. I had imagined it was the letter that first announced her child or spouse’s death. While there was a little confusion, I think you did a fine job Lily.

  8. Amy Reese says:

    Interesting take. I felt she really needed the truth no matter what the cost. And somehow, she’s relieved in the end. Well done.

  9. Good story, Lily, I found the tense change a bit of a stumbling block also, but it was still good. I understood that he’d left, but the damage-caused fear had already affected her nerves. She then is sent the notice of his death, making her a widow. Well done. 🙂 — Suzanne

    • hafong says:

      Thank you, Suzanne! I appreciate your comment. When I’m writing on FF, I do over think because of my tense problem. I was aware of how I wrote this last piece. I want it to sit awhile to see how it reads to me later.
      I have been confused about tenses for a long time. But now I think I understand it better, having gone on an investigative journey! 😀 I write best from the heart and worry about the tense and grammar thing later. I was doing it the other way around. Thanks for reading.

      Lily

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