I am enjoying a bit of good energy and vibes this morning. It’s such a relief after yesterday. I have been warned about days where grief can hit you like tsunami or tidal wave. I am not even sure if it is grief. It came out of nowhere yesterday morning. I was hit with such a bad feeling. It was hard to swallow, think, to move. I wondered how I could carry on, breathe, cook, clean, write my post. I worried about my father’s health. He is after all, 93, the same age as my mother. I don’t want to be responsible for for his health/life. It doesn’t seem fair and I am a little ticked off at my mother for leaving us – and without a manual to guide us.
It’s a bit strange but most times I don’t feel her death. She’s just not here. And with her gone, I feel the many losses of our family. There’s no one to call me by my Chinese name except my father. I just realized that yesterday. It makes me feel somewhat heart broken. And there will be no one to ask or talk to about our home village and all things regarding our heritage and ancestors. My father still has a remarkable memory about all that though he has not been back since he left as a young man. I was drowning with all these thoughts and guilt on things I didn’t do.
All things do pass. I was able to get beyond my emotions and put one foot in front of the other. There’s life to be lived and things we have to do. No matter how we feel, we have to get up, dress up and show up somehow. Some days are better than others. Today is a better day. I thought out what I want/have to do and the best of how and when to do them. Progress is slow and minuscule. I see results and I am happy with them. I’ve been to the gym this morning, planted all the cauliflower and harvested lettuce from the greenhouse for lunch. I am a happy and relaxed camper.
onethousandandtwo 
I feel so sorry for you and your loss. Yes, you are feeling grief. When you don’t know where a feeling came from – it’s grief. And you’re right, it can feel like you are being swallowed by a tsunami, or it’s a small pool of water. You need to grieve, do the work. I think I mentioned this once before but, journal. Your grief needs somewhere to live. Let it live in a journal. Believe me, it helps. Nothing fancy, just write it down. Get it out!
Thank you, Eydie. Good advice. But sometimes it is hard to do. I will have to work on it.
even if you write something on a napkin, or even record on your phone. It’s only hard if you let it.
I lost my mom when I was 19, and even now, some days hit harder than others. Sometimes I just have to ride the wave. I’m glad today is feeling lighter for you. Sending good thoughts.
Thank you, Jodi. It must have been so hard to lose your mother at such a young age. I’ve been so fortunate to have mine for so long. But I don’t have the resilience of youth to help weather the loss. I’m doing ok.
Thank you — but honestly, it was incredibly hard when it happened. It was sudden and unexpected, and I wasn’t resilient. I just didn’t have a choice. As I got older, one of the hardest times was when I was pregnant and really needed my mom. I’m so sorry you’re facing this now. Be gentle with yourself — grief hits in waves, no matter your age. If you need me — I’m here.
You are very kind. Thank you, Jodi.
It’s incredible how emotions can come crashing in like a wave, unannounced, and just as powerfully retreat again. I’m so glad today brought a bit of peace – it sounds like you’re finding such strength in the small, steady acts of living. Be gentle with yourself.
So true and thank you, Barbara. I think spring has finally arrived. Lots of gardening to do. Maybe I will bring out one of my bikes soon and go for a little spin.
In your heart, time is circular, not linear, and the emotions that hit a few years ago can hit again because, as Barbara said, they are like waves that come uninvited. I am happy that you have the gym, the garden, and this blog to use, especially when you need them. Hugs, Lily.
Thank you, Alice. It’s good to remember that time is circular.
Lily, I am so sorry you’re having these super hard days. Sending big hugs! For what it’s worth I think writing about it somehow helps. And yes, your Mom definitely should have left a manual.
Do you think you could create a video or a scrapbook with your Dad’s help, saving all these precious memories about your heritage?
Thank you, Tamara. Yes, a scrapbook of some sort is a very good idea. I have all the stories from my mother rattling around in my head. Some I have written down and some forever etched in my memory.