So life goes on. There’s no stopping or pausing it. While my life is a bit less of everything, the colours are just as bright for everyone else. I’m caught in a fugue, a bubble devoid of colour and sound. It’s restful here. I think I’ll stay for awhile. It’s a jungle out there. Dog eat dog. Mother beats child. Your lover can dump you for another. Who can get the most? Who can get to the finish line first?
I’ll have none of it. Thanks anyways. I rather be a loser. I rather be defeated than get in the mix. I’m not a striver. I am not ambitious. I am no competition. You can wear my gown and laurels. I prefer the rags. I’ll wear my smile, put the shine in my eyes and keep my heart and sanity. I’ll let you be right. You can have the credits. You can have the voice, too. I prefer the silence and keep my council.
Yes, I am blue, green. yellow, black and a dot of red. I am alive and breathing. I’ve lost the fight – today. I’m no warrior, no samurai today. I’ve lost my courage to fatigue, sleeplessness, hopelessness and all the nesses you can name. In other words, I’m a failure. I like it. It means I don’t have to measure up to anything/anybody. I get to start from scratch. I can just be me. How wondrous! How exhilarating! Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
I’ve lost my spunk but I’ve found my words. Words are important, Caroline Myss says. They contain the whole universe. I believe her. Perhaps she is the only one that I do believe. Well, I think I’ve gone on long enough about nothing. To be brief, good night. Keep well. Don’t let the bed bugs bite.
2 thoughts on “IN MY FUGUE”
I am slowly coming to this space in my life… to where I once lived. Your words are so powerful and remind me of how much easier life was when I lived in that place. I need to get back there – a whole lot faster than I am travelling right now. I love your words!
Thank you, Maureen. You are so nice.