Morning has broken. Snow is falling. There’s snow on the potted avocado. The buddhas are content beneath the spruce trees. My body is slowly easing and unfolding from its tightness. I need to move and stretch but sometimes what we need is the hardest thing to do. I skipped on my Saturday morning swim. I went through much talk in my head about why I couldn’t. The miserable weather gave me the final good excuse – as if I need one. Who do I have to answer to?
I have to give up the need for excuses and explanations. It’s as if I still need approval and permission. Just when am I adult enough to do or not to do as I please? I never seem to know if I am doing the right thing or not. Maybe it is that I am not willing to live with the consequences. I want to straddle both sides of the fence – the need for self esteem and pleasing others. Straddling never works for me. It has failed every time and it is I who is sorry for not being brave enough to choose my true North. I have not been strong and free. I have always compromised myself.
But I am getting a bit stronger. I am not so keen to please anymore but I am not aiming to displease either. I am just a little more thoughtful and generous towards myself. I am practicing doing for myself as I would for others. What better day to pamper myself a little than on a snowy Saturday in September? I am deliberately giving myself a break.