Morning has broken. Snow is falling. There’s snow on the potted avocado. The buddhas are content beneath the spruce trees. My body is slowly easing and unfolding from its tightness. I need to move and stretch but sometimes what we need is the hardest thing to do. I skipped on my Saturday morning swim. I went through much talk in my head about why I couldn’t. The miserable weather gave me the final good excuse – as if I need one. Who do I have to answer to?

I have to give up the need for excuses and explanations. It’s as if I still need approval and permission. Just when am I adult enough to do or not to do as I please? I never seem to know if I am doing the right thing or not. Maybe it is that I am not willing to live with the consequences. I want to straddle both sides of the fence – the need for self esteem and pleasing others. Straddling never works for me. It has failed every time and it iswho is sorry for not being brave enough to choose my true North. I have not been strong and free. I have always compromised myself.

But I am getting a bit stronger. I am not so keen to please anymore but I am not aiming to displease either. I am just a little more thoughtful and generous towards myself. I am practicing doing for myself as I would for others. What better day to pamper myself a little than on a snowy Saturday in September? I am deliberately giving myself a break.


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