I like starting the day with a clear mind and a cleared table. So far, so good. I wasn’t quite so sure though last night when I couldn’t figured out how to turn on my car’s headlights. I was so sure that it was on the same side of the lever for the wipers. It was dark. I couldn’t see very well. I opened my door a bit so the dome light would come on. Nope, not there. I was almost afraid to look on the other side. I guess I was afraid that it wouldn’t be there. Then what would I do? It sounds silly, I know.

I was afraid to look but I groped under the left side of the steering wheel. Ah, the headlight lever. Relief flooded through me. Then anxiety. Am I getting demented? I sat there in anxiety but no panic. I did some silent soothing and calming of my nerves. I just had a glitch, a slight malfunction of the moment. I took time to breathe, remembering I have had such moments before when I was much younger:

  • I forgot my code for my credit card at the till shopping for groceries. I had to leave my groceries there.
  • I forgot where my locker was in the change room at work. I still remembered the panic I felt not recognizing what row it was in. It did passed in a few minutes. Whew!
  • I was talking to a medical resident at work. Her face got fuzzy. I wasn’t quite sure I remembered who she was. I must have looked disturbed. She said, Lily are you ok?  And I said, Jackie? And it was her. I somehow managed to laugh it off.

I felt better having remembered those incidents. Then doubt crept in. I’m older now. What if it, the big A, is here? I decided that I don’t need that thought just then. I took a big slow breath, carefully backed out my car and drove safely home. I said a prayer on the way, vowing to take better care of my brain health.

So that’s why I continue to show up here – to document, to dig, to question the truth of everything. I’m clearing the debris, the useless excess. I’m looking for the light home.

2 thoughts on “LOOKING FOR THE LIGHT

  1. Have had many similar situations happen to me and the Big A runs in my family, very close to home. Am at the point now of it is what it is and I move on with what I love…..creating, yoga and now I’ve added swimming to my repertoire. You’ve inspired me. Just waiting now to start next week at my community pool. Keep on with your wonderful sewing, painting, gardening, swimming etc. You have a full life and when you want to just do nothing then Just Do Nothing😘👍🙏

    1. Thank you, Terry! We don’t have the Big A history. I did find my paternal grandfather stretched out on his side on the dining table watching TV one time. He had emphysema so maybe he was lacking oxygen. I never did ask him why. He’s been gone for many years. Yes, it’s good just to get on with doing things that give us pleasure. I had some tough stretches in the summer but I’m back to normal now. 🙂


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