BEYOND FATIGUE, PAIN AND PROCRASTINATION

The wind is really blowing my mind today.  It’s been going on and on since yesterday and all through the night.  It would have been a good excuse to loll and doddle, sigh and yawn and complain about how it  grinds and gnaws at me.  How can anyone do anything?  And yet, how can one not?  And so, I do my sighing and yawning, drawing some comfort and momentum….and rose above my inertia.  Somehow all the bedding plants finally got planted.  The garden looks wonderful.  When you make a decision to move, things happen.

And this is a new day, a new morning.  The wind is gone.  The sun is out.  It is beautiful.  Yet, I am not feeling it.  I feel the pain in the bones of my nose, in my swollen knuckles, throbbing, contracting and expanding, reminding me of its ever presence.  I’m here!  I’m here!  Feel me.  I am familiar with its voice over all these years.  It no longer frightens me or pulls me down to dark depths.  I have lived in its  shadow, afraid to let the shoe drop.  But one day I took the plunge and let go of my grip.  The shoe dropped…..Nothing happened.  I did not shatter.  The world did not end.

I hold on to the memory of that moment…the glorious realization that feelings and fears need not be my enemies.  They are what they are and I can accept them as part of who I am and move on.  I am drinking my tea with sweetened condense milk, a treat for myself.  I am stirring my porridge on the stove top and writing on my IPhone.  I’m feeling the flow, so I must keep it going.  I’m thankful for technology for allowing me to do this.  Sometimes I wonder at all the bashing gadgets and FaceBook get.  I like both.  They are tools that enable me.  They serve my purposes, not other people’s. They do as I direct them.

I eat my porridge with yogurt, a change from my usual eggs and toast.  I am feeling less pain.  I am feeling more pep.  It is true when you change the way you look at things, the way things look change.  It’s like the glass half empty, or half full.  Sometimes things work, and sometimes they don’t.  But you have to move…however slowly, or you will be stuck in your hole of pain, despair or whatever.

I’ve learned to move, even if it’s just getting out of bed, or my comfy chair.  I wash my face, brush my teeth, put my eyebrows on, and face the day.  Sometimes bending down to pick one item off the floor or pulling that one weed can start something.  You never know what will happen.  Look at what happened when I decided to get a dog…not even knowing anything about dogs or being a dog person at all.  Six years,  many adventures and misadventures later, we’re still together.

Somehow I can’t seem to get beyond 500 words, but a picture of Sheba is worth at least 1000 words by itself.  And tomorrow is another day. And I’ve practised patience and proofread my writing.  And that is something!

 

About hafong

Hello! My name is (Leung) Hafong alias Lily Leung. You always say the last name first….that is the Chinese way. That is my partner lurking behind me. Since this is my blog, I won’t mention his name. But this is a rather cool picture. You see me and yet you don’t…sort of the way I feel about myself most of my life. So this blog is a self-exploration, an archeology dig of some sort. My tools…..words of a thousand or so at a sitting. I will try for that.
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