Finally, we have a morning with sunshine and no smoke. Still, I feel no joy though I’m not feeling bad. Is this what is called ‘numb’? Perhaps I should not be scrolling, searching for news, for information but I do. This morning I wanted to know more about Donald Trump and the Epstein files. I should have left things alone and stay in the dark. But on and on I went, reading more about the Donald, Vance and Epstein. It’s no wonder I’m feeling somewhat stun.
I had to remind myself that I am probably still grieving. It’s only 10 months since my mother passed. It feels like forever and unreal. How can someone who’s been here for so long just disappear? You would think I’ve had enough time to prepare for her departure. No, there never seems to be enough time. She was so alive and then she was not. We were all witnesses at her side. She called and waited for me. I remember it well.
I know I must not dawdle in my puddle of loss and grief. I must keep moving. I got my ass out of the chair. I put my moody blues on the shelf. I vacuumed the floor. I head out to the community garden with my hoe and pail. The weeds are weeded and the snowpeas are picked. The library was the next stop to pick up Julia Cameron’s The Artist’s Way Every Day. Maybe it is just what I need to get through each day. I’m still searching for answers in books. Am I looking in all the wrong places? Time will tell. I will let you know.
onethousandandtwo 
It was really hot here today and so hard to get anything done. And the Trump/Epstein thing is probably about the worst entertainment that I can think of. It’s worse than watching paint dry because you know that watching paint dry is boring. The plot line in the Trump-Epstein saga moves slower than any soap opera, so, ugh, nothing happens when you’re expecting so many overly dramatic moments!
As for grief, yes, it has been my constant companion since my dad passed away in 2012 and my mom in 2020 and my sister in 2024. It turns memories inside out and makes them circular, instead of linear. Sometimes it feels as if they have been gone forever and, sometimes, it feels as if it happened yesterday. The grief journey is one of remembrance and of backward inner journeys and it’s a bumpy one. I had to learn to be kind to myself because, sometimes, that’s difficult. Anyway, that’s my own experience. Everyone’s experience with grieving is different.
So, I offer no advice, just hugs. I like your blog posts and I like the expressive way in which you write. It touched my heart, which is probably why my comment goes on and on and on…
Thank you, Alice. I love your hugs and words. You are very generous.
I’m so sorry you’re carrying such a heavy weight right now. It’s brave of you to keep moving forward, even when it’s hard. Vacuuming, gardening, and seeking comfort in books shows such strength. Take all the time you need; there’s no “right” way to grieve.
Thank you, Tamara.