ANGER DOES NOT BECOME ME

First things first this morning. I had to join in for the online YWCA morning exercise class on Zoom. I have to get back to a regular schedule more than ever now that there is no Sheba to take me out on our walks. Then I had to hang up the laundry, clean the toilet and wash the bathroom floor. The phone rang. I had missed an appointment. Sorry, sorry, sorry! Can I reschedule? Of course I could since it was my bank and really, they do work for me. They’ve left me waiting, dangling my heels a few times and not for a short time. But I mustn’t forget tomorrow though. Today the toilet was more important.

I have to admit that I am a bit of a train wreck. I must try a little harder not to steam up, cry about Sheba and blow my stack over the woman next door. I should put away Sheba’s leftover food and her bowls. Every time I walk by them, I forget and think I should fill her water bowl. Then the tears start. And really, that woman next door…I know that I should get her out of my system once and for all. The truth is I am only an ordinary human being. I can let it go for awhile. Because she is so good and smart at what she is, she will catch me unaware again and again. She has done so for over 10 years. But at least I have reported her to the police last year and again recently. There’s not much they can do about alot of her crap, but trespass is against the law.

Tomorrow is here and I mustn’t forget about my appointment this afternoon. My phone rang again. It is those scammers who said they’re from Service Canada again. So I pressed 1 as the recording says to know more details. I demanded to know their identity and where they are calling from. I demanded and shouted. I’ve done this a few times now. They’ve hung up on me. Sometimes I hang up on them. I am angry. I am just so angry. Tears come. My stomach goes into knots. There is no love in my heart. I know not everyone is evil but evil does exist. Some people are just bad.

I know Anne Lamott said that anger is a form of prayer. I believe it can be but I also know that it is not good for me. It is killing me now and I must feel it and release it. So I letting it out like a long foul fart. There you go,  just passing wind. I hope I can be sweeter tomorrow.

4 thoughts on “ANGER DOES NOT BECOME ME

  1. I have been away for a couple of months from reading your posts. I see you are still angry. still upset with the woman next door, still the Lily I followed in the last challenge. There was a time in my life when anger was a big part of day to day living but I decided it just was not worth it to treat myself that way. How is the meditation going, are you still practicing that a couple of times a day? I find that it helps a lot and sets the tone for the day. And for sure, remove the dishes and the food you have for Sheba so that they will not remind you so often. I hope you are doing better soon.

    1. Thanks, William. I haven’t been writing much since I’ve lost Sheba. Writing has always been my form of therapy. I thought I should get back to it. I am very much the same person. Maybe my feelings come out stronger and more extreme in the written word. My anger towards the neighbour is my feeling of helplessness in having peace and doing what I want in my own space. You may wonder why that is and that is hard to explain to another unless they’ve experienced it themselves. I think I’m doing ok though I’m not feeling great now. Life is like that. I hope you and your wife are well.

  2. I’m sorry you are so hurt and angry inside Lily. Take time to breathe, relax and take it a day at a time. Sending hugs and prayers.

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