Do you know what? I find life flipping hard. I know. I try not to bring the negative here. I always try to be positive and motivating. But enough is enough. Let me just be myself. I’m a crank pot. I’ve been accused of voicing things most people would only think. But isn’t that a kettle calling the pot black? I really puzzled over that one. It makes me cranky. Then there’s this person who calls me weird. And I say to her: I’m weird? But you’re the one who has piercings on your tongue. It doesn’t get me alot of love.

I guess you can tell that I’m irritable and cranky. Every day I look at the clutter of my desk and say, I’m going to tidy up. Every day I feel too flipping tired. Today is another such day but at least I made it to swimming this morning. Oh, poor me! I’ve been feeling so tired and achy all this week. I feel like such a whine baby. Different times when I woke in the night, I’m talking to myself. I can’t possibly go swimming in the morning. I feel so bad. I sound so pathetic even to myself. I made myself go just to stop that dialogue.

I think I’m at a crossroad. Which direction should I go? How to be? What should I do? I feel at a stalmate. I am not happy with myself. I should stop trying to do the right thing all the time. It ends up being not the right thing. I should stop trying to be nice. I should be just my cranky old self. I should stop worrying about saying the wrong things. I should say the things that should be said. Never mind other people who would think them but not brave enough to give them voice.



  1. I agree, life can be hard at times. Just taking one step at a time and not putting too much pressure on yourself, helps make it easier. They say a messy desk is the sign of a creative person, so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. My desk was always messy; I just learned to love the mess. 🙂

  2. Hi Lily, loved your reflections and honesty about being cranky. Not every day is a great day is it? I have worked hard to figure out what I can do to jumpstart my day so I have fewer cranky days. Morning walks are my happy place. I always come back feeling renewed and refreshed. Reading and art making in the morning before I jump into a busy day also help me personally. And then some days, I just call bs and let myself be cranky. I warn my family and allow myself to feel the feelings. What’s on the other side is usually a breathrough to something I have been wrestling with.

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