I’m just getting past that God awful feeling again, grateful it was transient. It was the worst I’ve ever felt. I was on the verge of a panic attack but I maintained my cool. I am remembering other times struggling out of the stupors of sleep after a night shift. My mouth and throat are dry and tasting of old dirty socks, my head heavy and thick with wrong- time-of-day sleep. My chest felt tight. It was hard to breathe. Memory helped to put me in a familiar though and less distressing space.

That was a few days ago. I try to practice good mental hygiene of showing up so I don’t fall through the cracks. I like to be that dandelion, thriving in whatever soil I am in. But as you can see, I had succumbed to my physcial fragility – the dreadful summer cold. It is okay. Now like the Phoenix, I’m rising from my ashes into my new self. I see that this life journey is circular, ever changing from one stage into the next. I hope for seamless transitions and no heartbreaks. But who can guarantee that?

Wanting to be like the Phoenix, I did some research on this mythical creature. What are its characteristics that makes it so desirable?

“A mythical bird that never dies, the phoenix flies far ahead to the front, always scanning the landscape and distant space. It represents our capacity for vision, for collecting sensory information about our environment and the events unfolding within it. The phoenix, with its great beauty, creates intense excitement and deathless inspiration.” – The Feng Shui Handbook, feng shui Master Lam Kam Chuen

Since I’m Chinese, I like the Chinese Phoenix (Feng Huang)version.Strange what eating at a new Chinese restaurant will wake up in you. On Sunday we paid our yearly respects to our ancestors at the cemetry. In earlier years my mother would prepare and order food to take there. We would light incense, burn paper money and pour libations. Afterwards we would have a picnic there. It is a nice tradition. But as my mother is aging, she is no longer as strong and able to do all that. She streamlined the customs to make it easier for us later. My mother is very practical. Now we take flowers and do our bows before our grandparents graves. Our picnic is in a restaurant now – The Phoenix House.

I do feel as if I am the Phoenix. I have a sense of flying overhead, scouting the territory, gathering information. Often I have information coming and pinging me in the forehead. I felt and heard the ping. I wonder if that is what is meant by the term pingback. I want to practice the art of silence and watchfulness. I want to be a better Phoenix.

Today I do feel I am finally on the road to feeling better. I know, I’ve said that almost every day and got knocked down again and again. For insurance, I’m checking in with a medical doctor in a couple of hours. It seems that nasty cough can still comes back and whollops me a good one. I want to arm myself for the next time.

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